Hey.

Hey. That's cool if you didn't check on www.justinkahn.com yesterday. Whatever.

But maybe you should today. I have a guide to the web, which is kind of updated.

No Big Deal. Whatever.

If you feel like Conceptofirony is suffocating you, feel free to take a stretch at
www.justinkahn.com

Welcome to the New Millennium

Some of my savy readers are going to take pause at seeing the above title. Wait, they will say wasn't the millenium in 2000?

Nope. Think about it. The first millenium was from 1-1000. The second milleniumm was from 1001-....
2001, of course.

Aforementioned savy readers will jump in with, 'But that means the millenium was five years ago'

Nope, again.
Consider the following:
~ In the year 1077 During the Transition from the Julian Callendar to the Gregorian Callendar Pope Ringo IV had two years erased so as to allow his next birthday to fall on a monday.
~Nixon, in a failed attempt to extend his presidency, by an act of congress had 1972 duplicated. It was never repealed because American's found the repetition of years, 'trippy'
~In 1994, in the third worst nuclear accident,the atomic clock decimated two more years.

Bringing us to my point. Happy New Year and welcome to the next millenium. I think it is going to be a good one.

Contests Around the World (II)

Be advised that my concept of 'running' a 'contest' has really caught on. For example while googling for articles on cell death, I came across this new year's resolution contest.

Also, in reading the remarks below, I found this cool website. Apparently my idea for contests have been spreading, and that is really rewarding. I'm thinking I may run many more contests. Oh, I'm thinking of so many wonderful things for 2006.

Which brings me to my final comment: I wish you a safe and happy New Year.

Unless you are like Aztec. Than obviously with your belief that the world is going to end in 2014 you probably aren't thrilled that the world is that much closer to ending.

On the other hand, believe me, it is going to feel good telling everyone, 'I told you so.'

Happy, happy new year.

Contests Around the World

I am fully aware that there are other contests running. It is doubtful they are better than the one I ran. But here's one.

A friend of mine who runs a construction company is running a contest. The winner gets a dinner at a restaurant fancier than chipotle. I don't know where that could possibly be. Maybe Que Tal?

The contest objective is to come up with a good slogan for a construction/mason company.

A slogan he really, really likes is for a roofing company: 'Thank God For Rain'

I don't get it.

He's definitely looking for something catchy. Despite my skilzz as a writer he has repeatedly turned down my best shot at a slogan. I include it in closing just so you know how high he has set the bar of slogan making.

"Hello. My Name is Tony. I run a construction company. I have lots of equipment. Would you like me to build something for you? If not, that's cool, too. But maybe think of me if you decide to build something. Bye."

New Year's Resolutions

Ambitious as ever, I'm really starting to think about next year...

5. Increase my google ranking. Even if achieving that means giving up on listening to Britney Spears & Jessica Simpson while writing in the nude.

4. Worry less about what David Foster Wallace thinks about me. Although in his latest book of essays, 'Consider the Lobster' he does write:

"It should be conceded that there is at least one real and refreshing journalistic advantage that BLOGGERS,fringe-calbe newsmen, and most talk radio hosts have over the mainstream media: They are neither the friends nor the peers of the the public officials they cover."

He said Bloggers! I'm a Blogger!

3. Learn how to use A<>D HTML$$%<>+-

2. Grow my hair out. Or die trying.

1. Write Seven Novels, Direct a Blockbuster film, Develop a Grand Unification Theory, Drop Ten Pounds, Learn Sanskirt, Get Drafted by the NFL, Earn the Title of Grandmaster in Chess, Write three volumes of poetry & learn how to whistle.

The Chipotle Award Dinner

A Kindly Old Lady took pictures of the Big Winner. Curtis had a really good time. I was pissed someone actually claimed the prize.







The damage done by our contest winner. The man eventually even ate the foil. This isn't really about the picture, but learning to do picture lay outs is harder than you would think. Isn't it cool, how I'm doing the whole left-right-left layout. I rock.








I told him, I would by him chips, whatever. But he kept eating all of my food.
Sorry the picture isn't good but 1) A UFO was shining it's bright light on our table, and 2) The Old Lady didn't seem to know how to operate a camera.














Curtis partook of Chipotle's famous 'Gallon O' Margarita' After his second, he found me very entertaining.

Nothing got him laughing, like my dad's favorite joke: Jingling Keys.

************
Post Script: Just Something to Think About

That could have been you in these pictures. If you had guessed correctly. Or if you had started your own blog and ran an awesome contest, that you almost came up with by yourself.

But it wasn't. Maybe next time. Chin up, you big loser.

Like Beginning Again For the First Time

Welcome back to conceptofirony.

So much has been happening. I'm ready to just pour my heart out to you.

Or maybe I'll just have you read my story

Stay tuned.

There very well could be photos from the greatest contest ever, just around the corner. As in, like, tomorrow.

Writer's Bl

Conceptofirony is taking a vacation.

We will be back on December 26-Less Suckier than ever.

T.G.I.M.

Finally, we come to the conclusion of the World's Best Contest, Ever.

A brief review:

Silentt used a bunch of words which I don't know. I think she made them up. However, I'll gladly buy her Chipotle as I desperately want her to take my picture. I am thinking of getting back together with eharmony.

Stephan, a dear friend, wasn't seriously guessing. His entry was simply a sly illusion, to one of my favorite past times.

Anonymous would have also won, but clearly violated the rules by posting anonymously.

Marissa, a clear pseudonymn of my Mom, is disqualified for reasons outlined in my rules.

So, then. Curtis wins. I won't tell which of his answers is correct, though.

I hate being thought of as a wuss.

And the winner is...

going to be announced Monday.

Allow me to begin by saying this contest has been the most successful of any conceptofirony contest. I'd even go so far as to say that it has had a better response than any contest, ever.

I don't know why I even went to the doctor. Clearly, my readership which is amongst the smartest of any readership has way more ideas. My eye is safer for the proliferation of theories sprouting forth from the conceptofirony think tank.

(I am thinking conceptofirony think tank will be a good name for a fan club or rock band.)

Just to point you guys in the right direction:

I do have a pencil in my eye. But that's just where I keep my pencils. A good guess, but I don't really believe that is the source of the pain. Also, why anonymous. I mean you were practically right.

Have a safe weekend and be sure to join me on Monday, when I may have a question or two about this thing happening between my toes.

Rules of the Game

The person who guesses my eye ailment will win a dinner with me (one of the top bloggers in the fourth quadrant of the Heights area) at Chipotle.
FINE PRINT
1. For some reason the fine print is either the same size or larger than the above print. Please Disregard this discrepency, which is not legal in nature, but do to my deficient knowledge of HTML.

2. Participating locations include: Legacy Village, Coventary, or Cedar/ Warrensville. Maybe this is flexible, but not by much.

3. This is VERY important. I will only accept entries which are written as comments and include your name.
3.a I mean it's cool if you are a first time visitor to send me an email gushing about my writing and insights, and exaggerated sense of self.
3.b. But what the heck, what is with all the emails I get which begin with elaborate reasonings as to why you don't want to comment. I mean, that's fine too, because I'm lonely, but if you do that this time you aren't entered into the contest.

4. Conceptofirony acquires rights to take photos of the Chipotle Date, if it seems cool and entertaining to do so.

5. Basically, the first person who posts it wins. Maybe it will be a group thing, but let's not push it, because conceptofirony is on a tight budget since we found out that we aren't really getting paid.

6. If I don't know you, then that' fine, as long as you are local. Be advised, that security preparations began years ago. Your kidnapping attempts or whatever you have WILL fail.

7. My mom is disqualified, as is my dad. My sister, however, I'll have to think about. Probably O.K.

8. If you guess the eye-drop medication we are talking about throwing in ice cream at Ben and Jerry's. Be advised: The first person who gets both ailment and medication is awesome. Or a stalker. Anyway, this person wins regardless of time of posting as long as they post before the contest expires.

How I Cheated Death Continued

So, I know I kind of left you hanging yesterday. Am I alive and kicking or dead and decomposing?

I suppose the answer is the same as pre-eye incident, which is: Kind of Hard to Tell.

But still, here's the point: Monday was so intense emotionally because I've grown really, very attached to my right eye. And I knew that if there was in fact a problem, I would be in a lot of trouble.

I mean, haven't you seen the standard clinically opthalmic procedure made famous by the scene towards the end of Minority Report? Haveing eye-procedures is a terrifying proposition at best. That minority report scene is kind of how I imagined my day would end.

As it turned out, it was much worse.

My regular doctor couldn't take me. The doctor that did take me seemed to learn bedside manners from House. I'm sure she was a decent enough human being, but she had that real iconoclastic thing going on:

Upon walking in: That would be the right eye, huh?
(get it? because my right eye, by afternoon was swollen to golf ball size)

Etc.
She too, like Dr. House, had the ruffled hair and five O’clock shadow.

But aside from her urbane wit, and rugged good looks, she also made a guess, as to what is wrong with my eye. I've been following her orders and my eye seems to be taking the shape of a definitely smaller golf ball.

Which proves that what doesn't kill me just makes my face swell up in to weird proportions, which kind of undercuts my confidence,and while that might not be good in terms of my up and coming speed dating,makes me stronger.

Stronger, stronger and stronger I grow until I am ready to fake my own death or display my own skillz as a wrestler.

I am Become Tireseus

Sunday night I went to bed with a very sore eye. Monday morning, I woke up with my right eye swollen shut. Rather than write, I applied hot compresses. I willed my eye to heal.

I cried involuntarily.

I cried not out of the kind of eye-swollen-shut-reflex referred to in the previous sentence, but because of the conflict in my psyche between the part of me that knows that I dislike pain and the part of me which feels that I am in fact undergoing a kind of low grade, but constant pain.

I cried beacuse of all the suffering in the world.

(Somewhere around that second sentence, I think I was maybe trying to hard to sell you, the highly credulous reader, my sensitive side? )

While I am usually lax about my health, I could see this was a problem. Like any mature adult, I took charge of the situation. First, I got together a blog entry (see yesterday's entry). Then I read a few more pages of David Foster Wallace's Consider the Lobster*

Soon, I resumed the business of hurting.

To wit(?), I include an excerpt from my private diary, which usually stays private:

DECEMBER 12, 2005
6:13 My eye hurts.
7:34 Cannot believe that the nurse will not give me an appointment.
8:45 Wow, does my eye hurt.
8:46 Hurt from the eyes.
9:03 Snake eyes of pain.
10:05 Eye Hurt.
11:04 Spreading to the Bridge of My Nose.
12:05 Listened to Johnny Cash's 'Hurt.' Lyrics such as, ‘I Hurt myself today, to see if I still feel/I Focus on the Pain/ What have I become?/My sweetest friend’ make me think of my eye.
12:17 Ate a scoop of Nutella.

By early afternoon, I finally got in to see a doctor.

Did I live? Or was I overtaken by the terrible disease I suspected I had (a disease so pathologicaly horrific that the only comfort I could find is knowing that the rareness of the disease would certainly catapault me into the media, where my story would provide a rare moment of humane tenderness amongst the audience) and died within hours of my last journal entry?

Tune in tomorrow and find out.

*I have been pushing DFW on everybody. To date the dialouge which has given me the most pleasure is:
ME: Is there a reason you haven't read DFW's Consider the Lobster.
RESPONDENT**:Because I just read Consider the Crab, and wasn't that impressed.

**Jessi of A***.

***DFW's trademark footnotes, are these days often replaced by asterisks. How lame.

Assessing the Damage of Rejection Friday

(If you hate links and long posts, scroll down)
Thanks to all the people who emailed, called, or told me in person, that they really didn't care to bother reading Friday's post.

And Kati. Oh, Kati. You were travelling? My own feeling is that it isn't too much of me to expect that you drop a comment or email letting me know if you are going to be away?

Anyway, enough of alluding to obscure sections of my comments section. It's time to quote from obscure sections of my comments sections. If you haven't read Kati's post she writes, about half way through:

it's too late to read something that long, and also, i am never a fan of links. you made it even worse by saying not to even read the post if i didn't click on the link first, so you essentially drained all of the motivation right out of me. or possibly movitation, which is what i typed at first.

In honor of Kati, I include this special

*********************************************************
POST-WITHIN-A-POST FOR KATI

December 12, 2005


Links suck, just read my post.
I ate Mini-Wheats for Breakfast.

Posted at 6:44 A.M.
*************************************************************

Anyway.

So, I still think the Elvis piece is funny. I don't know why the formatting is all goofy. Maybe that would have changed your impression of it. Maybe if I would buy you stuff that would change your opinion of the Elvis piece.

Please don't email, call, or visit to tell me that even if I bought you the stinkin' moon, you still wouldn't like the elvis piece. I get the idea.

My Post-within-a post genre will almost certainly revolutize blogging as it has been practiced for the last five thousand years. Please specify when commenting if you are referring to the very post modern Post-Within-a-Post, or the more traditional Post.

Thank you for reading.

Rejection Friday

When will you get to see the rest of the novel, an admiring reader asks in yesterday's comments.

Three things:
1)The rest of the novel consists of only another thirty lines or so.
2)Most literary sites don't accept previously published works. Blogs are considered publication. I hate to disqualify myself.
3)If I were to show anyone my novel, it would be you my dear loyal reading community.

Which brings us to today's topic: Pieces rejected. I've sent the below to various websites and they said very mean things in return for my hard work. So, rather than try to find a home for it, I'm going to officially retire this piece.

According to some editorial comments, the lack of public awareness about
this song makes it a hard sell. So do listen to the link, before you move on to today's featured rejection piece.

The King Makes No Mistakes

Thank you for purchasing The Superstar Covers of Elvis' Live Laughing
performance of 'Are You Lonesome Tonight?'

On August 24, 1969 in his live Las Vegas performance, Elvis dedicated "Are
you Lonesome Tonight?" to Colonel Parker's wife in honor of her recovery.
Applause can be heard on the soundtrack out of respect for Elvis and Colonel
Parker's wife. A very somber moment.

Just two days later, Elvis reinvented the same song, by laughing through the
entire performance. Not surprising (in retrospect) the August 26 performance
came to be known as the laughing performance. Elvis himself ended the
performance by saying '14 years down the drain.' Initially, even the most
committed Elvis fans were embarrassed.

Time has shown that in the words of James Joyce, "A man of genius makes no
mistakes."

The accompanying CD features some of today's top performers, paying tribute
to what is now understood to be the genius of the King.

Considering the sheer quantity of laughter on this CD, there was a lot of
seriousness. Here are some of the stories that remind us just how serious
it is to cover the King.

Carreras Domingo Pavarotti
John Paul, Manager for the three tenors:
The first words comes through in the three tenors powerful voices. It takes
a bit to get them laughing. Carreras is the giggly one. You can feel in the
first couple of seconds that he is going to lose it. I later asked him what
was so funny. He said, "How much I was making that night."

At the start Domingo and Pavarotti haven't quite gotten into the act. But
once Carreras started laughing you know, he just couldn't help but fart.
That kills Domingo. What a sight to see: Carreras turning red, like he's
going to explode, as if his fart wasn't incidental but like absolutely
necessary to his not blowing up. And Domingo now, he just can't help it. He
was laughing so hard, he pee'd on himself. Oh, it was inevitable.
Pavarrotti, is much too serious for all of this. All of us at backstage were
sure he would lose it. But nothing. At the end he says, "That's it....14
years down the drain."

Bob Dylan
Neil, Friend of Bob:
What people forget about Bob, is that he has this terrific, laugh. And
really once you get him started laughing he can't stop. Unfortunately, Being
Lonesome isn't one of the things that gets Bob laughing. Bob has a real
problem with people anywhere, ever being lonesome. Before the show we were
to record, I said to Bob, you gotta see something funny in lonesomeness.
You'll be alone soon. Your wife is going to leave you. She's a tennis
player. Love means nothing to her.

At first he looked at me with his sad, introspective face. But than that
face gave way to his sad, giggly face. That face gave way to his restrained
sad, giggly face. He couldn't stop laughing. He repeated my joke on stage.
I told him it was the best thing he ever did. Anyway, a week later Bob's
wife left him, so then he turned on me; he didn't find my joke so funny. We
never spoke again.

Alanis Morissette
From her Diary:
"Sometimes, I don't want to laugh. It seems so artificial to just laugh on
command. In the studio, I was to laugh, but what I felt like doing was
crying. Crying, crying, crying. So there is this major conflict between the
tears and the smiles. I forced myself to laugh. Perhaps, I should go to
India. That always makes me want to laugh. Those monks are funnier than most
people realize. I bet that's what Elvis was focusing on to get the kind of
laughter you hear in the original. I wish Elvis would have laughed more. And
cried less. Other times I feel like Elvis should have cried more and laughed
less."

Krusty the Clown
From James Franks, Sound Guy

I had never ever heard of Krusty until this project. I'll tell you he
doesn't look like Elvis, he sure as hell can't move like him, with those
huge floppy shoes. But when he finished this song there wasn't a dry eye at
the birthday party we recorded this at. Krusty nailed this song.

While Elvis' laughing performance has been made available through
anthologies, never before have so many covers by other artists been brought
together in one hilarious, but in another sense, completely serious,
collection.

We hope you enjoy.

From the legal guardian of conceptofirony & Mr. Kahn

PICTURE: Mr. Kahn in his Super Hair Growth Plus Coma Inducing Chamber

Once again, against all common sense, Mr. Kahn has taken his medical advice from the remarks section (see previous day's entry)

He has been placed into a coma, so as to allow his body to focus on growing his hair.

What to do when he isn't around to write? As per his instructions we have scoured the web for something he has written.

Well, lookee here

Archived on-this easy-to-follow-link.

If you were curious, this little work came out of that novel he was writing.

Mr. Kahn is terribly pleased that monkeybicycle published his work. So much so that he is going to wear his monkey bicycle shirt today.

If you admire his shirt, but he doesn't respond, don't take it personally. He is, after all, in a coma.

More about Hair

Get it?

I will be focusing on my hair today.

Please use your alloted conceptofirony time to reflect on how you might contribute to the Cause.

How Can You Help? Part One of a Never Ending Series

Since my blog was down for most of yesterday, you probably didn't read the remarks I recieved yesterday. You may do so now.

See? People want to help me. Not everyone hates me as much as you do. So back off.

There is amongst most of my readership, a strong desire to see me succeed at growing my hair.

When I read this outpouring of support I was really humbled. My long time readers probably remember
this ill-fated resolution

At the time, I was humiliated. But you guys watching me fail is what this blog is all about. And so, to think that maybe some of you want me to succeed at my new resolution, it's just touching.

How can YOU help? Just be my friend. That's all I really need right now.

Just kidding.

Growing my hair isn't something that is done in isolation.

Here's some ways you can help.

~Guest Blog. Would you like to share your alien abduction story? Do you want to give a testimonial about how conceptofirony has changed your life? Perhaps you already have a blog, and would like to cut and paste a hits collection. Submit these to me, and it will save me time--precious time that can be spent growing out my hair. Send your submission to me at Justin_Kahn@hotmail.com

~Donate a Word Did you know that applesauce is historically slang for nonsense. i.e. "Stop talking applesauce about my new hair style." Which is where you come in. Got old words, you aren't using? Do you have a word that might be helpful to me? If so, let me know. A lot of people have been impressed with my vocabulary. They say it is very crunk. I have great range. Any one who says otherwise is talking applesauce. Which isn't crunk. But a serious writer(like me) is always interested in getting more words to biggify his vocabulary.

~leave me alone Please stop asking me to explain what irony is to you. This takes away valuable brain power that could be used to grow my hair. I don't know what irony is. I am sorry that you googled irony, or teaching irony, or concept of irony and are confused as to what my blog has to do with those things. I'm sorry.

~Further more, please stop suggesting I change the name of the website to Kahnceptofirony. That is very clever, but that would mean changing the domain name and all kinds of other hastles. I am very forward thinking, but I don't want to overhaul the website. Not until I have enough hair to style. Sorry, Mom.

~Legal If you have some lawyering skillz then how about talking to me about the legalities of getting a Rambo haircut rather than simply shouting at me, to basically steal his style, which is a clear violation of intellectual property laws (cf. Rocky Balboa vs. Ivan Drago in Rocky IV)

~Tune in tomorrow.

Resolved

Picture of Man, Accompanied by Dog.

I am resolved.

Most people wait until January 1st, to design their new year's resolutions.

But I am not most people.

I begin thinking about the direction I'd like my life to take, sometimes up to several weeks in advance of New Year's Resolution time.

Of course, I realize not all people are as forward thinking as I am. That's cool, too. But I hope my foresight serves as a model to you.

Maybe resolution isn't the right word. Let's say commitment. And my commitment is to grow out my hair.

No, not like last time. Or not necessarily. But just a good inch and half. Have I completely ruled out a pony tail in the long run? No.

I felt like I should share this information with you,my most beloved confidante, so you don't take it personally if I don't respond to your remark or email with my usual efficiancy.

I'm really going to throw myself into growing my hair out.

Long Titles Stink: Volume 4

Continued coverage of a book written this year and read by yours truly.

How did the Soviet Union, a political system which existed at third world country standards according to indexes like child mortality rates manage to maintain a status as super duper world power?

The answer is their intelligence.

The KGB managed to steal all kinds of super top secrets in the realm of Science and Technology.

In the late 60's AMERICAN scientists were circulating a paper called, "Sex and Pregnancy: A Possible Connection?" This is considered a seminal paper by anyone in biology, even the one that is I think no longer talking to me.

Well, the KGB smuggled this paper out of the country by writing it on the interior of their earlobes, and next thing you know the Soviets had our sharp, AMERICAN insights into the human condition.

But their dasterdly deeds didn't stop there. Service A went out of their way to spread Anti-American propaganda across the planet. Service A, forged diplomatic materials. Sometimes, American News Papers reprinted these despite certain tell tale signs(They English?? Not Always so good! With the words! Intel. officers with clearance, me am. Lanuage training, skimmed.)

I know. Forgery. What will they think of next. But believe me, it gets worse.

THE KGB TRIED TO RIG CHESS GAMES SO THAT SOVIET DEFECTORS, LIKE THOSE WHO PLAYED KARPOV (PICTURED ABOVE) WOULD NOT WIN!

I AM NOT EVEN MAKING THIS UP. TURN TO PAGE 487 WITH ME. READ THIS SENTENCE:
'A team of eighteen FCD operations officers was sent to the 1978 world chess championship in the Philippines to try to ensure the defeat of the defector Viktor Korchnoi by the Soviet world champion Anatoli Karpov.'

That is nuts.

I am so outraged, I don't know if I will be able to discuss this book any further.

You lucky dogs.

Long Titles Stink: Volume 3

A lot of you have probably been wondering why the KGB and the CIA couldn't just get alone. The answer is simple: they have to prevent each other's countries from world domination.

In order to do that intelligence agencies worked very hard to influence public opinions and the opinions of world leaders.

According to this book, the third world became a significant battleground for each. Latin America was especially significant for both groups, because of the potential of a scenario where the US would have an enemy in our 'backyard.'

This would be bad because the U.S. has a hard enough time mowing its backyard, let alone trying to mow it with a lousy enemy there.

Also, that would be hugely advantageous for the soviet union in the event of a war.

Is War a good idea? Well we can survey some of the great minds to see what kinds of opinions have been set forth:

On the pacifist side, those who think war and violence unnecessary, we have:
1)Leo Tolstoy
2)Ghandi
3)Martin Luther King
4)Bertrand Russell
5)Albert Einstein

On the Militaristic side we have:
1) Stormin‘ Norman Schwarzkopf,
2) Rambo
3) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turles
4) G.I. Joe
5) Darth Vader

There is definitely a division amongst the intellectual community as to how to approach violence.

Now get ready for the cliff hanger ending. Bloggers use these to keep the reader in suspense, so as to encourage today's audience to come back for more tomorrow.

Appparently during the last fifty years, the second list dominated. For in the final chapter of 'The World Was Going Our Way' it documents the Great War between Russia and the U.S. Turns out the whole world was destroyed.

Long Titles Stink: Special Supplement

I don't want to mention names but a lot of you are unaware that a rich source of literary works is the comments section of my blog.

So, I'm bringing the comments section to you.

Below is a recent comment from the comments section:

Dear Concept of Irony Human Resources Department,Can you please tell me how many regular (i.e., daily/weekly) readers you have? Thank you. Anonymous.


Dear Anonymous:
Thank you for your recent comment. Because we recieve so many comments we regret, being forced to send you a form letter.

On the other hand isn't a form letter appropriate to someone who is anonymous?
According to our statistics, which are currently on some Carribou napkins, conceptofirony typically recieves between 500 and 600 hundred pages views a weekWe believe that one viewer may make mulitple page views.

What this means is that on the weekends 20-30 people peruse our pages, whereas on the weekdays we tend to get 30-40's.

The highest in a day is about a hundred, usually after Justin publishes something.

We are currently taking suggestions for expanding our readership, or even in improving the quality of our current readership.

Thank you for taking the time to write.

Buzz K.
HR Manager

Long Titles Stink: Volume 2

Since the title isn't descriptive at all, the main topic of this post will be a continued look at the, "World Was Going Our Way."

The context for this book is a man named Vasili Mitrokhin smuggled out thousands of KGB documents, which was hailed by the FBI as, "the most complete and extensive intelligence ever achieved from any source."

Thousands of documents that detail the KGB's activities were smuggled out by Vasili and put on his website,iKGB. Each of these critical documents can be bought for $0.99. The author Christopher Andrews, downloaded a bunch of them and wrote this book.

If you read this book you will learn many interesting facts such as:

**The most extensive intelligence project undertaken by the KGB was called project RYAN. It was an attempt to uncover the details of the (non-existant) plan of the United States to launch a first strike nuclear attack.

**The KGB operated in countries outside of the United States, AND THERE ARE LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF SUCH COUNTRIES!

Just a sampling:
Bulgaria
Chile
Canada

But I don't want to give everything away. If you read the book, you'll find lots of other countries!

This book is nearly six hundred pages, so if you want to find out more I recommend you tune in tomorrow when conceptofirony will pick up with lots more information--hopefully before Andrew's lunchtime.

This post is dedicated to everyone who wrote into the complaints department. (See comment from Monday's post. And sorry to whoever left the comments. I thought I figured it out, but than I recieved angry comments from the alleged commentators.)

Long Titles Stink: Volume 1.

Why don’t I smile in my pictures?

No one ever asks the Mona Lisa that. No one ever asks the Gorbachev that. But they ask the Justin that.

Well, maybe it is because I have a lot on my mind.

This is not my fault, but the fault of a book.

I really try to avoid reading whenever it is possible. My own feeling is that reading is for losers. Sometimes I slip.

I’d like to discuss one such instance.

A couple of weeks ago, I saw a book with a very shiny cover and lots of red. This Book is called, "The World Was Going Our Way: The KGB and the Battle for the Third World."

It is a very interesting look at how intelligence agencies influenced the world, especially during the Cold War.

At first I was let down, because I didn’t feel the books pages were as shiny as the cover.

But the book still interested me. Russia and communism and stuff has always fascinated me, largely because of how much I love Russian Literature, Film and Music.

If you're nice to me, I'll tell you more about it. But as you can imagine, I won't be smiling.

A Rare Glimpse Behind Justin’s Face (& Between His Ears)

Dear readers, since we have been apart I realized I was taking the end of my eharmony account harder than I thought.

I used to have a yahoo account. I let lots of things come between us and soon that was over. I admit it was my fault.

Another case: I opened an account on a gaming site, to play chess, so I could get beat by 9 year olds at chess. But soon, I let my membership expire. It was hard, but I survived.

But it really is different with eharmony.

I can see my heartache isn’t earning your sympathy. Well how about this tasty tale of heartbreak.

Saturday Night, I got home and found out the latest rejection letter in my inbox. It claimed my submission was more humorous than the tone the journal tries to set("Your Sophoclean drama is marred by the fart jokes".) It was hard because it took two months, and a guy gets to having his hopes up.

It hurt real bad like getting punched in the face by Herman Melville.

To grapple with the implications, I turned to writing in my journal, to write freely and not worry about developing any pieces for submission. Ordinarily I am very secretive about my journal, but I’ve learned to trust you, so I’ll show you an excerpt. That dark, eharmoniless night, I wrote in my journal that,

"Once, again I feel my humor overshadows my piercing intellect."

Of course, I wrote more in my journal, but I don’t trust you that much.

As I was doing this therapeutic journalizing, in order to calm myself, I decided to put on the crunkiest headphones, my Etymotic 6i, in and turn up the Hillary Duff.

Which is when I realized that I could not find my Etymotic 6I, retail value $150.00. So I began emptying my bag, tearing apart my car, searching everywhere.

Nothing.

So, I call Arabica and Kate looks everywhere for them. She could not find them.

After much searching, the E-6i turned up in my driveway.

But in a way it was kind of good that I lost them. It momentarily distracted me from the pain of getting another rejection letter.

And it made me realize there might be a reason why my sense of humor overshadows my piercing intellect.

While I was unable to determine that reason, that moment inspired me to come up with a new fart joke.

THE POSTS MIGHT AS WELL BE LONG SINCE THANKSGIVING MAKES THIS A THREE DAY WORK WEEK: PART C OF AN A,B,C SERIES: CAN’T THINK OF ANY ONE WORD THAT CAPTU

RES THE ESSENCE OF THIS POST AND ALSO BEGINS WITH THE LETTER 'C'

I don't mean to seem ungrateful, but why does blogger offer such miniscule space for the titles of these posts?

Enough of that. Let's jump into the 'meat' of this post, if you will.

In the life of a writer it is usually true that you have so much stuff going on in your life and so you have no time to write,

Or alternatively:

You have nothing going on in your life and so you have plenty of time, but nothing to write about.

This post is going to be long.

L…o…n…g...

Let’s see. Last night I decided not to renew my eharmony membership. Ending a relationship with a dating service is much more complex than ending a relationship with a girl.

I mean by allowing my membership to expire, I am not only ending a relationship with one person but with the very possibility of finding someone using eharmony’s patented matching system.

This is disheartening to me.

The number of conversations I have had with girls that are like, "Really you do online dating service ? You don’t seem like the kind of guy who requires such services" is astronomical (Approx: 6. Which is kind of astronomical.)

Such conversations usually end something like:
ME: So would you date me?
HER: I would if..
ME: If what?
HER: I weren’t dead.
ME: You are dead?
HER: Yes. (Falls to the ground)
ME: Ahh-Huh. Do you want me to call someone?
HER (eyes shut, real still): No. See you around.

So there are some sources of discouragement: removing myself from the online dating scene, the widespread epidemic affecting girls I try talking to, and of course the miniscule amount of space allowed for titles.

But I'm not discouraged.

For I have you, my ever faithful readers, who keep my going.

What do you mean you're dead?



(Photo, once again, by my good friend and photographer Adam LaPorta. It was actually taken a couple of weeks after the picture featured in a previous post. He was like, "Don't you want to wear something else?" and I was like, "didn't I wear the sandwhich sign last time?" and he was like, "No" and I was like "Oh, snap.")

(Words by Justin Kahn & Leo Tolstoy)

THE POSTS MIGHT AS WELL BE LONG SINCE THANKSGIVING MAKES THIS A THREE DAY WORK WEEK: PART B OF AN A,B,C SERIES: BRIEF HISTORY OF REMARKS

A Brief History of the Remarks section.

In the beginning, I wrote all of the comments on this blog.

This was because, to quote a line from an unpublished work of mine, “I lost all of my friends through abuse or neglect.” Left alone, I wrote good and bad comments alike. I didn't necessarily enjoy writinge one kind of comment more than another.

But recently a surge in friends have made it unnecessary for me to leave comments.

Just look at the past week: unprecedented amounts of comments. Of course to find these gems you would have to dig through the comments of previous posts.

As a service to you, the likeable but frankly lazy reader, here are some highlights of what is happening in the remarks section:

~ Comments asking other people to comment
~ Someone read my Yankeepotroast piece and liked it!
~ Various kinds of K, Reliant & Relient some being cars, other being rock bands have been confused by yours truly.
~ Continued interest in Andrew’s Lunch with speculation that he eats Tuna. (to be discussed in an upcoming feature)
~ Kati enjoyed the cell phone piece.
~ 'Bout time someone reads those pieces. I work really hard on them.
~ Big T poured his heart out about his severe incontinence problem, which I later removed because I didn’t think that would be appropriate for my readership to read about since over half of my readership reads while eating lunch.
~ Rachel’s refusal to comment on my blog or anything since the Great Sestina Fiasco of Last Week, which resulted in her changing her name to Frank.
~ Concern about the legitimacy of using emoticons, about which let me say that if you have read the cell phone piece, you may use emoticons or gibberish or whatever you would like to comment on my blog.
~ Ana Z. Hegel has kept an extensive correspondence with me, but has taken a sabbatical from writing comments. These will be collected in Philosophy with Flava: The Kahn-Z Hegel Correpsondence. The stuff on ‘50 cent’ is priceless or worth at least the face value of fifty cents

So keep up the good work. I'm pretty sure any day now I'll be implementing a Nobel Prize like award in literature for the person most gifted in comments.

If you guys leave this blog up to me than I’m going to just let it go down the tubes. Please comment.
If not, I’ll end up resorting to linking to silly videos about
Plaid Ninjas.

Or a video called Yes Man. If you don't think this is funny, I'll refund your money.

Or this
Winner
Be warned kids. There is a bit of the adult language in that second video. I never heard the words before, but I think they are naughty. I usually only hear them in Rated R movies or when my little sister is around (who showed me these videos).

THE POSTS MIGHT AS WELL BE LONG SINCE THANKSGIVING MAKES THIS A THREE DAY WORK WEEK: PART A OF AN A,B,C SERIES:PART A: AGING

As has been my custom for the last thousand years, I celebrated my Birthday this weekend by moaning and groaning.

Near immortality—like being able to crap art—sounds like a good idea, but ultimately hurts more than it is worth.

Is it the never ending rolling of the Beach Ball up the hill that gets to me?

No.

Is it the birds nibbling at my spleen, only to have my organs regenerate while the birds are digesting?

Again, not really.

The great horror one faces when one turns a thousand is realizing you can't read everything; being forced into deciding which book to read next. What is the average life span today? Two thousand years? Suppose I read one book each day for the rest of my life. That means I will only be able to read another 365,000.

That’s kind of a lot, come to think of it.

Anyway, my thinking was a bit muddled as it was my birthday and so I was conflicted as to which B-Day gift to buy myself. Should I buy The Town That Forgot How to Breathe, a book whose appeal consists entirely in that is endorsed by J.M. Coetzee?

But than I saw a re-issue of a Borges book –one of my favorite authors—and the book with new illustrations—and what’s worse for my decision making, it also is endorsed by J.M. Coetzee.

I made the only choice I could make: I bought the Foo Fighters, "In Your Honor" Double CD set.

I have no regrets. I’ll have time to get to both of those books and 364, 998 others before all is said and done.

As for you, my favorite reader, why bother with books? So much exists on the web.

Oh, look. It's me, Back on top of the world.

(Archived here)

(Photo by Adam LaPorta, Photographer)

(Words by Justin Kahn, Wordificator)

Just in Time for Andrew’s Lunch Hour

If there is one thing this blog is about, it is about my deepest inner stirrings.

Lucky, there isn’t one thing this blog is about.

One minute I may be talking about the far reaching implications of
Johnny Depp’s courageous decision to defy any smoking ban and another minute I may not be. For example one of the NON- Johnny Depp's courageousness topics ould be what I am reading.

Unfortunately I don’t have time to explicate other people's books. No, not with all of the hyperlinking I am doing these days (see, like, a couple of lines above). So as to strike the perfect balance between maintaining my own high levels of productivity and an openness about my life with you the reader, I introduce:

One Word Book Reviews of Books I am Currently Reading

TITLE: The World Was Going Our Way: The KGB and the Battle for the Third World
REVIEW: Scary!

TITLE: Melville: His World and Work
REVIEW: Sad.

TITLE: The Truth about Babies
REVIEW: Overdue!

TITLE: The Unabridged Mark Twain: Volume One
REVIEW: 3 pounds *

TITLE: Don Quixote
REVIEW: Laughable.

* I am not counting ‘3’ as a word but as what I like to call ‘a number’

Meteorological Excerpts from Justin Kahn’s “My Life” in Honor of the First Snow in Cleveland

When I was but a wee child, I asked my mom where rain came from.
She told me it was the overflow of God crying.
“Why is God crying?” I asked.
“Probably because of something you did” She would say.

*

Today it isn’t raining it is snowing.
When I was but a wee child, I asked my mom where snow came from.
“Shut the @#$% up," she would say.

*

Sometimes when I look out the window, and I see Weather, it makes me think about just how wonderful life is.

Me Think Pretty One Day

In the history of Western Civilization, the super smartest of each age have taken time out of their busy schedules of adjunct teaching to articulate a theory of education. Historically, the theory of education has been presented in the form of stories. Think of Plato's Republic, Jean Jacques Rousseau's Emile or the folks who made Schoolhouse Rock.

But do not stop thinking there, my beloved reader(s)!

Think also of ME

I Found This on my Friend's Blog

I don't know what it means. But I'm hoping she'll publish an explanation on her blog. I'll include that here if it is any good.

Super Special Bonus Post of the Day

For those of you science minded readers be sure to check out
Dave Ng's Latest

The Adventures of J. & K., Mediocre Detectives.

On Saturday Night I went to see Wallace and Gromit at Richmond Mall with K. I reproduce the dialogue which led up to a Startling Revelation

J: Hey, we aren’t the oldest people here. I thought we would be.
K: There are lots of old people. Let’s sit in these weird seats that have the back facing the screen.
J: O.K…these are stupid seats
K: O.K…let’s sit back here.
{...}
J: Wow, these previews are kind of mature for a Kid’s movie…The Saw II?
K: Yeah.
{...}
K: And Is Jodie Foster in Wallace and Gromit?
J: Yeah, I think so.
K: Is the Wallace and Gromit movie called Flight Plan?
J: Hmmmm.
K: Hmmmm.
J: Do you think they put the wrong title on the film?
K: Are we in the wrong movie?
J: Let’s not jump to conclusions.


As it turned out we were in the wrong film. The film itself wasn’t bad. It had a number of plot twists (for example, it wasn’t Wallace and Gromit) and a surprise ending (they threw a surprise Birthday party).

You should check out Flight Plan. If you don’t like it, you can always go next door and see Wallace and Gromit. Those two movies are deceptively close together.

SPECIAL FEATURE: HOW TO GO TO A ROCK SHOW (Part II of II) The Most Rockin Rock Coverage Ever (Part V of V)

Obviously going to a rock show isn’t going to make all of your problems go away. But most of them will disappear.

To succeed at a rock concert is very much like succeeding in life: ninety five percent of it is just showing up.

Basically, if you followed my directions yesterday you should be in good shape. But if you still need an extra boost allow me to make a recommendations:
Get in the mood by listening to a Rock C.D.

A. For Example the Doors

B. Phil Collins

C. Anna Karenina (Available from books on tape. Not technically a rock CD, but Tolstoy does rock metaphorically speaking.)

Consider another element of my own personal story. At the end of the night. ****** said, “Well, I kind of had a good time.”

Success!

You too can kind of have a kind of good time, if you follow my simple guide.

So concludes the most rockin rock coverage ever.

*

If you need a roadie for your tour, a rock hipster for any occassion, or have general rock n' roll needs, do not hesitate to leave a comment or contact Mr. Kahn @ Justin_Kahn@hotmail.com.

SPECIAL FEATURE: HOW TO GO TO A ROCK SHOW (Part I of II) in The Most Rockin Rock Coverage Ever (Part IV of V)

So, you are probably like, a rock show sounds like fun? Can I go?

Yes, you can. Let me show you how.

The first thing is to stop doubting yourself. Even if you are a big loser (I.E. unpublished, but talented) you can still get into a show. So what if you are a loser. Rock is all about the underdog—the kid who has written for Mcsweeneys.net, Opiummagazine.com, Science Creative Quarterly and several others, but no, no, doesn’t have a book YET. You are welcome to come and rock, even if you suck in the rest of life.

Plus, I was watching Sideways the other day. It's about a writer who struggles with his unpublished writer status. So remember you are not alone.

Second, find a date. This is virtually impossible if you suck, but give it a try. Wanna know something? I got turned down by no less than 12 people. But who cares? Those people are all dead, or will be very soon.

I don’t sit around thinking why did Curtis & Jessie, Kate, Monica, Camisa, Bethany, Avril Lavigne and several others turn me down or laugh in my face, or in once case actually spit on me before turning me down.(What up Avril!)

All that matters is that *******decided to go (She asked that I not use her name because, She doesn’t want to be identified with my in any way after my crowd surfing ‘incident’)

Once you have started believing in yourself and found a date you are well on your way to enjoying a rock show. Join us tomorrow when we will show you how to keep on rockin' in the free world.

The One I’m Waiting For: The Most Rockin Rock Coverage Ever (Part III of V)

After MxPx demonstrated what an un-energetic slouch I am, Reliant K was up. And for an hour I forgot about the unbearable pain, the melancholic cloud, that is my life.

I knew most of the songs they played. One punk next to me kept yelling, ‘Play the Pirate Song.’ I don’t know exactly what that means. Thinking they were taking requests, I started yelling “Play the National Anthem”

They didn’t.

But that’s o.k. I went to the show to see Dave (the drummer). Basically, the only time I had seen Dave (the drummer) play was on MTV (a station that plays music videos). I assumed that the videos used computer generated effects to give the illusion of someone beating the drums so quickly and violently. I’m a pretty good drummer but I couldn’t play that forcefully for more then say 34 seconds.

Anyway, it turns out that Dave really is that fast.

Unless of course they were using special effects at the concert. Since I watched most of the concert on the monitors, it could have been special effects. I wasn’t that far from the stage, but I just love to watch T.V.

Aside from Dave, their were some other people, I guess…

The lead singer, at one point said, “I know its kind of late for you, thanks for staying up.’ (not an exact quote, but pretty close.)
While an outsider might have thought he was talking to one of the teens in the front, him and I know that he was talking to me. He said this at like 10:30 which was way past my bedtime.

I laughed and laughed at his remark.

Then I went to bed.

You’re So Vain I Bet You Thought This Blog Was About You:The Most Rockin Rock Coverage Ever (Part II of V)

Hey. You’re not really vain. I was joking, trying to make a shrewd reference to rock. You don’t have to cry.

Man, you may not be vain, but you sure are sensitive.

Now then, back to my rockin’ rock coverage. A lot of my faithful readers have probably been unable to sleep, wondering, what the heck, how was someone going to disrespect you, talking about being UNPUBLISHED? Was this guy published or what?

Yes, he is published, he has a book, printed off and everything, WITH COVERS but whatever. He never wrote up Ninjas as a health danger, and I have. So there.

But when I look back on this evening fifty years from now, I’m not going to remember the insults aimed at me, or the subsequent knife fight or even the police charges, I’m going to remember the music.

The only song I recognized Pre-Reliant K, during the set by MxPx was a song that goes,

But I would walk five hundred miles/And I would walk five hundred more
Just to be the man who walked a thousand miles/To fall down at your door

But even without recognizing any of the other songs, I thought they put on a good show. If I had the energy of the lead, I'd be able to write a novel in a week.

Or you know, ever.

Glen Gould--my favorite rockin’ performer of the Goldberg Variations (The first recording from the fifties was Crunk. The second recording he did was lame.)-—said that he believed the ideal performer to audience ratio was precisely 1 to 0.

Call me an Old School Representative of Thomastic Aesthetics but I largely agree with Gould. I guess that is why I write, rather than join rock bands. But the lead singer seemed to be having a lot of fun, and one of the things I enjoy most in life is watching other people have fun.

Anyway, I wouldn’t have gone to see a performance of the Golberg variations, so it is probably best that the performance-audience ratio was 4 bands to a Sold Out House of Blues.

The Most Rockin Rock Coverage Ever (Part I of V)

Saturday night I went to see the MxPx/Reliant K show at House of Blues.

Basically, the last concert I went to was the Monkeys/Weird Al show back in 1984.

So this was pretty exciting: My first adult rock show. In honor of my experience rather than be cynical and aloof and ironic, I'm going to really open up my heart and mind to you, the dear reader, as to my experience at the show.

To begin, let me address widespread concern that I was only going to a rock show in the first place to make a good impression on Avril Lavigne, who I have a longstanding crush on: Yes, that is one hundred percent completely accurate. I guess my thinking on this one was a bit muddled, because I kind of thought the Rock Community was much smaller than in fact it is. I didn’t see her.

Second, allow me to just jump in with some shrewd observations I've made about Rock, Rock Culture and Rock Shows:

Shrewd Observation # 1

Rock is very loud. As evidence, I give you conceptofirony's first Rock Show Inspired List:

A fairly complete list of people who yelled at me Saturday night:
1. The Man at the Parking Lot when I said the sign says ‘$3.00 all day’ and he said This Don’t Look Like Day to Me. He had an excellent point, and while I was tempted to correct his usage as other lots made a day/evening distinction, I didn’t, because I was going to a rock show, and rock isn’t interested in revenge.

2. The lady who worked for the House of Blues, who informed me I was in the reserved area, AND I SHOULD GET OUT NOW.

3. Everyone who tried talking with me, just because of the sheer volume of the music. Luckily I’m not that popular and hardly anyone talked to me, except for a man named ‘Mark’ who may or may not have introduced me as a talented UNPUBLISHED writer.

4. This isn’t really another person who yelled at me, but let me just say this whole unpublished writer thing, Never Will I Let Go.

To Be Continued

The Death of Irony

When the concept of irony first read this conceptofirony was sad. But then we just laughed.

Quoth

‘As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.’

From the Worst Novel Opening Lines.

WELCOME YANKEEPOTROAST.ORG READERS

Hey. Thanks for following the link to my blog.

I just wrote an introduction yesterday. Kind of. See below.

So maybe you can read that one? Thanks. Talk to you soon.

WELCOME CAFÉ IRREAL READERS

Welcome to my Web Log or ‘Blog’ for short.

Right now it isn’t much to look at. Like Seinfeld, this blog, is about nothing.

The similarities with Seinfeld end there. But Justin is planning vast and sweeping change. Until Justin initiates the Blog Renovation to End All Blog Renovations, the blog has links to some of his other works. Just look to your left (my right, if you imagine I am the webpage) under the heading, 'Writing is easy.'

You are not impressed?

I know that you are tempted to never look at this blog again. But I believe that would be a huge mistake.

Maybe a little story will help to illustrate.

Once there was a little boy named Bill Gates. His friends used to call him Billy. A lot of the kids made fun of him. But do you know who that little kid grew up to be?

Bill Gates! The Bill Gates! The real rich guy from inventing computers or something!

So that story just goes to show you that sometimes a little kid (or blog) can grow into something really rich and powerful (like a rich and powerful blog).

Thank you for reading.

Remembering The Meaning of Halloween

It is so easy to forget the meaning of Halloween, especially since the meaning is wrapped up in a complex network of social, cultural and religious beliefs, many of which are no longer accepted by the general public.

Why do we use the phrase, ‘Trick or Treat’? Why do we force our children to wear costumes, which aren’t even vaguely persuasive as costumes? Like those real cheap ones that come with 1) a cardboard mask of the incredible hulk 2) a plastic smock that has a picture of the incredible hulk lifting a car over his head and then you go to someone’s house:

YOU: “Trick or Treat”
THEM: “Well, what are you supposed to be? A kid with a picture of the incredible hulk on? Like a billboard, are you?”
YOU: “No, I’m the incredible hulk!”
THEM: “Clearly not, I can see the picture of the hulk. Why would the incredible hulk wear a picture of himself? And what is it that you are wearing? A garbage bag? When I think incredible, I don’t think ‘a garbage bag’”
Etc.

So, Halloween is very complicated. But if there is one thing that I think everyone agrees on, it is that Halloween is a time to think seriously about the direction of your blog. And quite frankly, the direction I want to take my blog is in a five-day format rather than a seven-day format.

I hope this will allow me to increase the overall quality of each entry or at least take up less time.

I know this is scary for you guys, but that’s why I wanted to break it to you on Halloween.

Now, go get 'em--what are you?--a guy with a picture of a tiger on their garbage bag smock.

I dream of a blog composed entirely of quotes

"There were no mangoes in his poems, and no beggars, no cows or Hindu gods. What he wanted to write about was a moment of quiet. Sometimes sitting alone in his room there would be a few seconds, a silent pocket without the crow or the hammering or wheels on the macadam outside. Those were the moments he felt himself; at the same time, he felt that he was paying for that peace very dearly--that life, his life, was rolling away outside."

"The Tutor" Nell Freudenberger

Today was the best day of my life

Today, I went to the Half Price Bookstore. I found and bought a copy of Solzhenitsyn's November 1916 for $6.00. The book was in really good shape.

He never mentions any of my works

Harold
reads so,so much. I don't know how he does this. I often read his books, mostly to make me feel like I should be reading more.

Haunted

It is always an awkward moment when someone comments on just how witty and funny you are. You feel obligated to say something witty and funny.

That’s why I’m thankful no one ever says I’m witty and funny.

No, I’m not fishing for compliments.

I'm also thankful for such outstanding friends as Kate, Amanda and the one with kind of curly hair (Melissa, is it?). It's nice to have friends who invite you to go to haunted houses with them, even if they berate you for being anti-social when you refuse to go.

What's new at the conceptofirony

If there is one thing that conceptofirony believes in, it is innovation.

I know. You think that if there is one thing conceptofirony believes in, it should be 'irony'. Or 'concept.' Or bare minimum: 'of.'

Such is the complex nature of conceptofirony. Lately we have been devoting ourselves whole heartedly to innovating.

For example, please note the 'Users Online' feature at the top of this page. Cool, huh? Every time I check, Conceptofirony has at least one reader. The record has been nine users online.

I want each and every one of my visitors to know this: conceptofirony is completely committed to innovation. We believe in putting the customer first, and then the stockholders. We believe in putting running last, because running causes lots of pain. Totally unnecessary pain.

Pleaes keep visiting; if you feel like it leave comments.

And know that we will be innovating. But probably not running.

Running

I am hesitant to even bring my exercise routine up, because a lot of critics of conceptofirony have suggested that I rely too heavily on sex appeal to sell my linguistic wares.

Well, so be it.

The fact is this blog is about my life, and if in my life I took up running again, than that's what I have to talk about.

First, let me say that there is extensive research that shows running to improve the quality and length of life.

Second, let me say that my knees ache, my calves are sore, and I think I suffered a minor stroke in the second mile.

Which got me to thinking: what am I running from? From a short life span? A low quality of life? These things don't scare me.

I will run no longer.

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

Writing (I)

Being a writer is kind of like being a coin collector. You become interested in what others dismiss as the least valuable exchanges amongst humans; knowing that others might have missed a treasure. And willing to look for that treasure despite the fact that the previous handler of the coin had just picked their nose, and the handler before that actually dropped the coin in the toilet. And some ‘coins’ ,if you will, don’t even have any value, but you do end up getting sick from touching them, because of the sheer number of germs present on each and every coin.

Maybe I should have stopped the metaphor earlier.

Today I Proctored a Test

Please see the post for October 1st, for a descripition of like day.

Notes on World Literature (I)

My smoothie from Ben and Jerry’s is perfect today.

But on to more substantial matters.

I accidently started reading J.M. Coetzee’s Slow Man. I didn't put it down until I was almost half way through. Coetzee was the 2003 Nobel Prize Winner and is about as crunk as they come.

He has this kind of mystical view of life (I mean like the thing we are given at birth and what we someohow share with birds and squirrels and granite. Maybe not that last one. But you get the idea).

I find some variation of that mysticism in several of my A-List novelists: Tolstoy, Pasternak, Solzhenitsyn.

Tolstoy was nominated for the first Nobel Prize. He didn't win it.

Instead, it went to Sully Prudhomme. An Excellent choice.

Sully was the author of such works as {note to self: find book Prudhomme wrote}

Anyway, do yourself a favor.
1) Read Elizabeth Costello
2) Get a smoothie from Ben and Jerry’s
3) Read Slow Man.

This post is dedicated to the Nobel Prize Committee (#27).

The extravagant and erring spirit

This morning I received a message my Word Program:
“There are too many grammatical and spelling errors in Cahiers to continue displaying them.”

I am not making this up.

Once I clicked O.K. all of red and green vanished from the 215 pages.

Cahiers is my journal (It is a french word, because I am all cultured like that). And just for the record, the errors go way beyond grammar and spelling

P.S. This post is dedicated to Billy Shakes, who gave me the title. I was originally going to call this post, "Oops, I made a mistake."

Contra Hegel (I)

‘Life can be compared to a piece of embroidered material of which, everyone in the first half of his time, comes to see the top side, but in the second half, the reverse side. The latter is not so beautiful, but it is more instructive because it enables one to see how the threads are connected together.'

---Schopenhauer.

This Post is Dedicated to the Hegelian Synthesis:

Thesis: Hegel
Antithesis: Z
Synthesis: Ana.

Enough about me, What do you think About Me?

Things have been really busy for me, but I always manage to make time for googling my name. The following is what I have found >today.

….That said, watching Hawkes work through the evidence—countering probable scenarios with possible then possible with probable in a spectacular display of reasoning through the evidence—has something valuable to say to anyone who stares at piles of evidence, written or otherwise, and wonders how best to sift through them.) Of course, Justin Kahn could settle this debate in an instant, but he has papers to steal and Santayana to quote. (Kahn's also on David Davisson's short-list for October's "Patron Saint of Patahistory." An important fellow, President Kahn is. How to best worship him? We could take a page from Phil Harland's books and worship our "Revered One" Roman-style.) When he finishes divesting himself of all his shares of ExxonMircoMobileSoft and officially accepts the Sceptor of Supreme Leader of the United Continents of the Americas, S.L.U.C.A. Kahn could help Sylwester Ratowt find Percy Harrison Fawcett, the gentleman naturalist who lost himself while trying to find the lost city of Z. Or he could use his Supreme Ultimate Fiat to declare "." a shorter sentence than "Z." (It is supreme and ultimate after all.) Or maybe he has too much work to do: lives to save in grand coincidental fashion…

I hope that I am made Patron Saint of Patahistory. I would put that on my resume.

Teaser: The Believer Interview with Justin

Continuing this week's theme of me:

The Believer: In your writing you often use ‘verbs.’ Does this come from your training in philosophy?

Justin: No. Actually, I picked it up from my careful study of the classics--something I think is important for any young reader.

To Read the Rest of this Interview Please Purchase the Believer. Or just give money to Justin so he can finish making stuff up.

This Post is Dedicated to Number 9 in my book

Hey. Things are going really good for me. In the last week I've finished three decent stories. I'm slowly working on some bigger projects and classes have been really good.

So, in honor of me, I thought I'd take this week and focus in on Me, my life, and my work. This means the scientific insights, the fantasy football philosophy, the astute political insight, that you have come to expect from conceptofirony will be put on hold.

This Post is Dedicated to Number 9 of my favorites, Monica. Seriously with a little bit of work you could tie with my number 8 (Pineapple Milkshakes at that place on Coventary. Sutherlands? Whatever.)

Since I'm dedicating this to people, I might as well dedicate this to my #3(Games of chess won) and my # 14 (allergies to seafood.)

I really appreciate how crunk each one of you are.

Testing

I know everything there is to know about computers!

Big Shout Out to Me

Hey Friends, Family, and Misc. Other Loved Ones. I have sold my first story ever. It will be published in November on the cafe irreal website:

http://home.sprynet.com/~awhit/fiction.htm

Once my programer returns, he will make the above line all weird so when you just touch it, the screen turns into another page. Weird.

bgColor="#cacccc">
Obviously olor: #ccoooo; there has 5px; padding: 0; color: #000000; background: been some question background: #fdf7f1;}
as to whether my face-color: #ccoooo; computer savyness matches
my writing. The answer TD>

Friday, October 14, 2005

Writing, in my opinion, is its own reward

Unlike some people, I don’t feel a need to win the Nobel Prize just to make me feel better about myself. Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Harry.

All it takes for me to feel good about myself is some respect from a fine publication like Science Creative Quarterly .


If for some reason you aren't reading this on Friday the 14th (This means you Adam. And maybe a couple of others) take a look at this bad boy hyperlink.


Feel free to take me out for drinks or a fine meal or just buy me a gift or something. But no hugs.

Congrats, Harry

Harold Pinter has been awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature:
http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/arts/AP-Nobel-Literature.html

He has been a friend of conceptofirony, since its inception. And by friend, I mean he hasn't been an enemy. And that's as close to friends as conceptofirony gets.

18 million bloggers can't be wrong

The great thing about my blog, for me, is that I can totally do whatever I want and I am writing AND immediately getting published.

Listen to the tapping of the keyboard! Look at me write! And watch how whatever combination of pounding on the keys gets published for all the world to see:

ASQWERQWERFASGFADSFGASEFARTYWERTWERTWERASGFZXVCZXVBERYASDF ASDFASDFASDF TimmyASYUITBCVXCVBCXVBYUIYUITRUI

I tell you, not only is writing the most rewarding of arts, it is by far the easiest.

O.K. More on Fantasy Football sooon. Unless I don't want to write more. It's my blog, leave me alone.

Good Bye

Adieu to Waynce C. Booth who has died.
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/11/books/11booth.html

Fantasy Football (I) Or Richard Posner has a blog?

I have conducted an intense psychoanalytical study into the nature of my new Fantasy Football Friends (see comments below). What would motivate such a bizarre group of people?

Of course any serious understanding of this group will require a careful examination of their prime passion: football. Luckily, this is my specialty.
Football is one of many ways of organizing the Polis (a ‘city’). Football is a set of 'laws'(rules) which govern the 'citizens' (players) behavior in the 'city' (the field).

What strikes me is that these Fantasy Football Folk are interested in making the best decisions for the theoretical contstruct.

In otherwords it is nothing less than the question of how to create a just city. Indeed, they aren’t simply interested, they "fantasize" about it. It is question first systematically investigated by Plato and Aristotle. Today this question is investigated by legal theorists rather than social philosophers.

One of the many services I would like to offer to my reader-community is finding blogs which rival the level of quality that many people think can only be found in concept of irony.

So with that in mind I provide you with a blog which tries to answer many of the questions posted in a slightly more existential form by Football Players.
http://www.becker-posner-blog.com/

Keep the "sports" questions coming, and good luck building a just city!

Holiday

In honor of Colombus Day and my brother-in-law's birthday and fantasy football conceptofirony is taking the day off.

However conceptofirony, struggled with the decision to not write today, because of the intense interest that the internet community has expressed in this humble blog. Conceptofirony doesn't know exactly what fantasy football is, but it sounds interesting and important and possiblly a kind of moral necessity.

Contains Foreign Film Spoilers

I have been waiting for years to see 8& ½ on the Silver Screen. Tonight, 7:00. My dreams shall come true.

8& ½ is a beautifully shot, subtle exploration of the creative process and the deeply humane nature of art.

Plot Synopsis: Captain du Gard is a traveler from outerspace and the future who has landed on earth. Some of his shipmates are dead, while others have transformed into some kind smooshy blog. While Captain du Gard is happy that earth people treat him as a king, he doesn’t have the one thing he wants: True Love. So he goes in search of a car that can take him back to the future. But than he wakes up and it is all a dream.

Anyway. I am seeing it at the Cleveland Cinematheque. My hope is that I will be surrounded with Fellini Aficionados. That way watching it on the big screen will undo all of the damage done to my soul by watching it with my classes—classes who hate it with the better part of their energies.

Not Even Exaggerating

I don’t mean to be overly dramatic, but today was probably the best day of my life. Did anyone read the comments below? Conan O'Brien thinks I'm funny. I think this is a major break through for conceptofirony.

You see I honestly didn't post that remark. I devote half of my time to writing blog entries, the other half to leaving remarks. To recieve a comment from anyone who isn't me is kind of shocking. And to have recieved one from O'Brien made my weekend. It makes me think I should be encouraging others to write the remarks, rather than doing it all myself.

The real reason I write most of the comments myself is that I get emails each time someone leaves a comment. The way my blog is set up if a comment is left, I receive an email from whoever it is @blogger. So I realized that I could get emails from “Yo Mamma.” And that makes me real happy to see emails from yo momma in my inbox.

Now tell Yo Momma to stop writing, asking if I want to collaborate on a Blog or novel. I don't.

Yo Momma is so dumb she keeps thinking I want to collaborate with her on some kind of artistic project. But I don’t. Yo momma doesn’t have some kind of learning disability does she? Cause I didn’t mean to come down so hard on her. Sometimes I judge Yo Mamma hard, but I always judge myself harder.

Hey I saw Yo Mamma the other day. Has she lost weight? Anyway, she looks great. Tell her I said Hi.

Untitled (I)

Today was the worst day of my life. I know you may think that is impossible, if you are to believe yesterday’s entry where I claimed that Thursday (yesterday) was the worst day of my life.
Well I refer you simply to a diagram of my life.

Figure 1: The Downward Trajectory of My Life.
(1*=Bad)

********************(Wed:Typical Wed)

***************************(Thur:Really Bad)

***********************************************(Friday: Worse)

******************************************************************** (Sat:?)
You see how if my life is on a downward spiral both yesterday’s statements and today’s statements could be true.
On the other hand, that is pretty cool how I have figures and diagrams in my blogs. That’s something that you don’t see in a lot of the 18 million blogs out there today.

Inspirational Quote/ Points to Ponder

Today, was the worst day of my life. But that’s O.K. This is really a happy blog and I’m not going to bring you down with my miseries. Just when I hit the low point of my day (ergo, of my life) believing all was lost, that life was hopeless, a friend of mine emailed some words of encouragement:

“Wah, wah,wah---wahhh……”

You may recognize the above quote from a third of the way through the Weezer song, ‘Beverly Hills’. The last thing I want this blog to become is some kind of Inspirational Chicken Mumbo Jumbo of the Soul Thing. But those words really put life in perspective for me, and I know they will for you.

A Very Special Link

Good morning. Today is Wednesday. And like any Wednesday worth its salt, www.thebigjewel.com has updated its website.

Sure it has updated with something I wrote. But thebigjewel is still an awesome website.

If you forgot to read this post (shame!) on Wednsday October 5, 2005 than see this link:
http://www.thebigjewel.com/appendixtomycurriculumvitae

Oh, the Glory of it All

Last week, I read Sean Wilsey’s memoir, “Oh, The Glory of it All.” He—the great managing editor of the wonderful Mcsweeney’s Quarterly-was once a troubled goof off, who spent his life absorbed in all things related to Thrasher. For those of you who don’t know Thrasher is central to Skateboarding Culture.

It was a good read, but I wasn’t ready to give it the praise some had or put it on the top of my favorites.

Today ,I was in a coffee shop and I saw a kid maybe ten, wearing a shirt that said, “Addicted to Skateboarding.” I immediately thought, another Sean Wilsey. I mean it was almost intuitive: There goes another Sean Wilsey. Before I registered this kid’s wild hair (far worse than mine of a few years ago), I thought, maybe I should befriend him before he becomes an important force in literature.

Befriending a ten year old, because I saw his enormous potential? I suppose Wilsey’s book changed how I See more than I would have imagined on closing the book.

And than the kid’s mother came over, called me a Perv and told me to stop staring at her ten year old boy.

A Very Special Birthday Wish

Conceptofirony is taking the day off, from our rigorous blogging to celebrate our friend's birthday. In line with suggestions I have recieved, I am trying to keep this blog vague enough so as to not encourage stalkers or people who make fun of other people's Birthday.
So Conceptofirony wants to wish a very special Birthday Wish to_______________. Happy _ _ _! No, I joke. There aren't three digits. Just two. Happy_ _! Which isn't that old if you think about it. I mean you clearly have at least _ _ years left. O.K., let's be realistic. You have a solid_years left. And to think at the tender age of _ _ you have already read Infinite Jest. Bravo. May you have another _ _ (x 10)years. I know that amounts to _ _ _ which is a long time. But give me a break, I'm just trying to wish you a sincere, happy birthday.
I hope this day is v_ery s_e_cial and that all of your dreams come true. Especially the one about the______ _______ dancing_________exploding_______ and then the cow_________ ________ ________ with three eyes! (Granted, the realization of your dreams would mean almost_____disaster for the rest of us.)
Happy Birthday________,and many more.

Hey Tony, Dave, Margot, &Rachel

Thanks for reading by blog still. I feel like its going pretty well. Don't you? Well a couple of posts ago I said something amazing happened. (And it did.) But that I wanted to write about it when I had more time. That post will be coming up any day now.
But for now, I simply wanted to address a suggestion made. Anonymous T. suggested that I offer 'Harry Potter Books' as a prize for those who take the time to write me (such as the brilliant, thought at time critical, letter written by Bob.)
Well, that is an outstanding suggestion and I'm going to stand behind it one hundred percent.
However instead of 'Harry Potter' I'm going to be giving away 'monkeybicycle' and instead of 'books' I'm going to be giving away 'shirts.'
{conceptofirony is still working out financial considerations. We lack the shirt budget of many leading construction companies.)
Why?
Just read this story--don't worry,not mine--and imagine how proud you would be to wear the Monkey Bicycle Logo.
http://www.monkeybicycle.net/archive/Vukevich/super.html

Behold

This morning, I proctored a test. It was in the Case law school. I would have proctored for free, had I know just how beautiful the building is. I have this theory: Law School Alumni donate more money to their alma mater than philosophy majors. Here were some of the things I enjoyed: Gold Faucets (or at least Gold Plated Faucets); Free Beverages in open refrigerators; People who were growing younger rather than older (perhaps because of the disease free environment). This may sound cliché-ish, but while it is a nice place to visit, I wouldn’t want to live there. It’s not luxurious, but the philosophy departments are where I feel most at home. Sure there aren’t free drinks. And yes, we draw our water from a well. But still. Oh sweet, Asbestos! Oh Glorious Accelerated Aging Process!

Mail Bag

Hey kids. I'm busy. And frankly a little bit discouraged from the recent surge of negativity. So I thought we'd dip into the mail bag for today's post.
Dear Conceptofirony:

If Mediocre, Fraud, and Crap got together; drank a keg each; started writing a blog; left the t.v. on and focused more on the television thanthe writing of the blog, it would still be better than yours.
Sincerely,
Bob
Well, thanks Bob for your email. I'm not entirely sure what your qualifications are but I'm sure they are fantastic qualifications. Unfortunately, I'm still trying to think of some kind of prize for people who take the time to write me. So accept my deepest thanks as a small token of appreciation.
Dearest readers. Pleasee stay tuned. Something rather incredible happened today. I hope to write about it soon.

Pouring My Heart Out

You, my dear readers, probably think that my blog is the last place you would find wild, unrestrained emotions. And you would be right most days. But not today.
When I started this Blog, I did it purely as an act of Love. The International Consortium of Bloggers is paying me a paltry $22.00/hr for my work on this project. I am actually LOSING money by doing this.
That's why I am a little bit distraught by the outpouring of negativity--both gramatically correct and not so much correct grammarise--negativity.
I am of course referring to the comments below.
Now, I am seriously thinking about giving up blogging.
Dear readers. Let's build a community of 'Positvitinessousiousness', in the words of our president, rather than of, "Negationisitivity"
The fact is--and I'd prefer this not to get around--my life's goal is currently aimed at publishing another dozen things online and getting a few of my longer works in print. But after that, I just want to be a has been. You won't have to put up with me and 'annoyingness' or 'irritations.'

Whether ‘tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of misfortune

Do you ever have one of those days were nothing seems to be going right? Where life seems futile? That the only serious question worth asking is, “Should I go on?”
I don’t.

Cluttering up the Web

I'm back to posting(sorry again about yesterday)
Look!
http://www.opiummagazine.com

For those who aren't reading it today:
http://www.opiummagazine.com/storykahnblade092705.html

There Will Not Be Any Post Today

I'm sorry, dear, faithful, largely imaginery readers. I am rather busy and unable to withdraw from my life to write about it. So, I thought as a kind of public service I would suggest a couple of my favorite websites:
www.google.com
www.yahoo.com
So there you have it. Sorry, again I couldn't post.

The Secret of My Success

You my dear readers, are the secret of my break through blogging success. I couldn't have gotten the outrageous numbers showing up on my counter at the bottom of the page if it weren't for you. You and my choosing to set the counter as starting with ten thousand, and spending a few minutes each morning clicking the refresh button, so as to create the illusion of an ever expanding crowd.

10 Things that you can do with a Ph.D. Diploma

I usually don’t write on demand, but my friend Dr. Margot, requested that I come up with the top ten uses for a Ph.D. Diploma.

10. Give Justin his U2 CD’s back.
9. Like most Ph.D.’s put it into a giant frame. I don’t think Ph.D.’s ever actually fit into the frame.
8. Keep it your purse and make a big show of it at the checkout line, mumbling,
“Let’s see I know I have a coupon in here somewhere, No, that’s my Phd, my M.A…..”
7. Reduce the size on a photocopier, make copies and use your Ph.D. as stationary.
6. Give Justin his Alanis CD’s back.
5. Have the diploma printed up on T-Shirts, sell the T-Shirts on your blog, use the income to offer financial incentives for leaving comments on your blog.
4. Use it to demonstrate to people that you are a doctor and than open a practice.
3. Roll it up real tight around a ½ inch pipe and hit people with it who don’t refer to you as Dr. Margot.
2.Use it as part of the documentary evidence for your good character when put on trial for beating various innocents who referred to you as ‘Miss’, ‘Margot’, etc., as per #2
1.Use your diploma to suffocate your cats with, not the Happy one, but the one that threw up on me.

There is more to life, Horatio, than is written about in my blog

Friends and Family and Creepy Stalker People! I shall do my best to inform you of my life, but you can not bring your life to a standstill just to read about mine! BTW, I had eggs for breakfast today!!!!!!!!

Cosmopolitan Justin

Justin Kahn has gone international. Here is something from one of my reader’s in Australia:
And I think you should keep up blogging, if for no other reason than
that I want to be a good programmer. I plan to try to hack into your
blog and use it for my own purposes. If I can do that, it will show
that I have some coding skills. Good for a resume.

What encouragement! I’m glad that my Australian Readers are making plans for future collaborations, rather than simply sitting around getting eaten by poisonous snakes.
I never imagined when I started this blog (last Friday) that I would develop such a cult following. But what must be, is. Or were. Or something.
Also, note on the sidebar I have updated “Justin in Translation.” I’ll use it to collect translations of my publications and blog entries. Please let me know if you find something I have overlooked. Does anyone know if my work has been translated into Old English yet?

I am Become Death.

I will be the first to admit, I have not become death. But it sounded cooler than I am become real tired. Which I am. Tired, not death. Maybe, because I just took a nap. I will keep you updated on my energy levels, by posting under highly misleading titles in future posts.

Homer (II)

I've been reading more about Homer. I think the evidence is more in favor of a group of ancient bards, who were illiterate and followed a complex set of rules for oral compositions, since they were all illiterate. What this means is that the inspiration for my blog (see below), probably never actually existed. Which puts me back in the position of thinking that blog represents a personal challenge, I am unable to surmount. D'Oh!

Back Story

This is how it all started. With a letter:

Dear Justin:
Thank you for your recent application for the position of Blogger.
As you know from years past, there are thousands, nay millions, of people who would like to Blog, but we only have a few spaces that can be filled.
Because of the exclusive nature of this undertaking, we are happy to announce that you have been awarded the position of Blogger, beginning in September 2005. You will be hired on an “At Will” basis. This means that either party can terminate the relationship for any reason whatsoever.
You are being welcomed into one of the world’s most elite groups, like being the President of the United States. Don’t abuse your powers.

The International Consortium of the Blog

Homer

I've been thinking about giving up on the blog. It is kind of a lot of work. But than I was inspired by Homer. According to tradition, he was blind and historical evidence almost guarantees that he was illiterate. Yet, he still managed to create great epics and found Western literature. Ergo, since I can read and have 130/20 vision, I should be able to blog.

Unexpected

I really just set this up to see how it is done and never meant to actually blog, but given the amazing outpouring (see comments below) I may stick with it.

The Beginning

It all begins with a post, thrown together, so as to view your own blog.

I feel like a school boy again

Hey guys. Don't have time to say much but I had a great Valentine's Day with Audrey (our first!). Just for fun we had our picture taken. She made me wear a Tom Hanks costume. People think she is so serious, but we can totally goof around like that.

How things have changed since
last year.

Because the Post is So Slow

Where do all the lonely people come from?

No one asked me to be their valentine. It was sad, until I remembered what an awesome speller I am, and how surely someone will fall for me.

I spent the evening watching Amelie. The title character is a cutie. If I have time tomorrow, I'm going to download a screensaver of her and maybe buy a poster, hypnotic audrey tautou tapes, audrey curtains, any other movies she's been in, whatever collectibles are available on ebay, and so on and so forth.

To bad I had arthritis last Valentine's day. I didn't post a single word last year.

Test

test1

Resolution

I have a great idea!

I am going to grow wings!

When they have grown in, I'll be able to come visit you all!