Maybe It Is The Not Receiving a Single Match in a Month From Eharmony That Has Driven Me to Plagiarize from Kafka.

Before True Love stands a doorkeeper. To this doorkeeper there comes a Blogger and asks for admittance to True Love. But Neil Clark Warren (for that is the doorkeeper’s name) says that he cannot grant admittance to True Love at the moment. The blogger thinks it over and then ask if he will be allowed in later. “It is possible, since thousands of members join each day looking for happiness,” says Neil Clark Warren “but not at the moment.”

Since the gate stands open, as usual, and the doorkeeper steps to one side, the blogger stoops to peer though the gateway into the interior. Observing that, Neil Clark Warren laughs and says, “If you are so drawn to it, just try to go in despite my veto. But make note: I am most powerful. And I am only the least of the doorkeepers."

The studly blogger was disheartened. These are difficulties the blogger had not expected. True Lasting Love, he thinks should surely be accessible to all times and to everyone.

The blogger, whose penthouse was furnished with many valuable things, began offering them to Neil Clark Warren. Dr. Warren says, “$30,000 for a one week trial, $8,000 for a month trial or just $666.666* for the most popular three month trial.”

Neil Clark Warren takes the young blogger's money but always with the remark, “I am only taking it to keep you from thinking you have omitted anything. Also, don’t forget to update your settings so that you can get the one month renewal at just $45.00. Because I saw how things with Cheryl went.”

The young blogger soon forgets the other door keepers and this first one seems to him the sole obstacle preventing access to True Love.

The young blogger grows old waiting for True Love. Before he dies, all his experiences in these long years gather themselves in his head to one point, a question he has not yet asked Neil Clark Warren.

“Everyone wants True Love, so how is it that no one else has ever begged for admittance?”

The doorkeeper recognizes that the blogger has reached his end, and, to let his failing senses catch the words the doorkeeper roars in his ear: “No one else could ever be admitted here, since eharmony was made only for you. I am now going to close it.”


* Justin’s Note. The symbolizing is really astonishing here.

Two posts in One Day Does So Fulfill My Mon. Wed. Fri. Schedule.

This morning I was looking for my copy of Gravity's Rainbow when I read this Direct Attack On Me.

This post is brought to you by the Justin Kahn School of People Who Can't Photoshop Real Good or Do Other Things Good.

My Magic Love Box

(While juggling a couple of other projects, I decided to work on a children's book.)


People always ask me why I am so happy. And the answer is because I carry my Magic Love Box around with me. I bet you carry yours around too. Unless you don't have one? But that only happens when kids are really bad. So I'm sure you have one.

Obviously love isn't an object, so I can't keep it in my box. Maybe love isn't anything, but...well read Freud someday. Anway, I put other things in it. Like this coupon for Senseo Coffee Pods.

This is my latest addiction. If you juggle two or three addictions it makes it much more bearable to know that your Magic Love Box isn't filled with love.

Science Fiction can capture the imagination. But don't enjoy it too much or else when you go speed dating your number one choice won't put you down as a match! And then you will feel like why even bother responding to my number two match? And then feeling alone you will take your stupid copy of Solaris and go to the coffee shop where it has apparently become a Couples Only club, and you'll think just how stupid it is to like Sci-Fi, even good literary Sci-Fi.

That is just a three prong adapter. I haven't cleaned out my Magic Love Box in a while. It's hard to be motivated to clean out your Magic Love Box when you know that it is just going to sit on your shelf,all by itself, until you are dead.

Nothing is as rewarding as doing a little carpentry. But I keep this drill in my Magic Love Box, so that I can unbuild everything around me, which is exactly what life is like.


Well, kids I hope you have a newfound appreciation for your Magic Love Box, because I'm sure it isn't filled with all the crap that mine is.

Soon we will look at my Hope chest. But don't get too excited: Love is the greater of these.

Interview # 2 Timothy, Consultant in Counter Dis-Intelligence.

(In a continuing effort to show that Justin isn’t only concerned with himself, COI presents another interview with a person who isn’t Justin.)

Q. For those who aren’t in the know, describe your job.
A. Like an Intelligence Agent, I provide information. Unlike those in agencies like the CIA, we mean to pass out wrong, misleading information.

Q. Would you say that you know the truth behind the lies?
A. No. I just make up the lies. You don't need to know the truth in my line.

Q. But what if you say things that are true without meaning to?
A. Than another consultant would cover it up.

Q.And you work for some sort of Government Agency?
A. Or do I?

Q. How realistic is what we see on 24?
A. Completely accurate. Not a single one of our agents works for that show.

Q. Wait, are you just saying the opposite of what you really mean?
A. The application and selection process for my job is incredibly difficult. The training is intense. We don’t simply go around pretending like it is opposite day.

Q. What is your favorite part of the job?
A. Opposite day.

Q. What is the worst part of your job.
A. Not opposite day. Which isn't today, actually.

Q.I'd like to ask you a question prompted by my recent survey. What would you make of someone who picked Matlock when given the choice of House, Jack Bauer or Frylock.
A. That sounds like a typical maneuver of someone working at the highest levels of counter dis-information.

Q. Responding with an option that wasn't given?
A. No. Talking about Matlock.

Q. What is it with kids these days and Matlock? When did Andy Griffith became a Cult Figure? What about the increased incidence of kids trying to solve crimes? High School kids forming little gangs calling themselves, "The Bens" and wearing ultra conservative suits and white wigs and refusing to tip or spend a dime? Have the youth of today really forgotten Columbo?
A. If I told you that, you would understand Everything.

Q. It has been a pleasure. If you know anyone else I can interview, anyone who is not me, please send them my way. I thank you for your time.
A. What time?

Survey!

One of my closest friends in the world introduced me to the fast paced world of surveys. It took me awhile, but I've finally responded.

Here's what you do. Post your answers on the comments page. I’ll analyze your personality (if applicable) and than create a folder and put in my crime lab just in case.

1) Dr. House, Jack Bauer or Frylock?

2) Suppose the Gallup Poll is chasing you. They desperately want to know about the satisfaction level of your job. What vegetable, would you morph into to evade them?

3) More or Less Cowbell (This is NOT a trick question.) If you answered incorrectly, just stop, O.K.?

4) Girl?
If yes, Unrelated To Me?
If yes, Straight?
If yes, Single?
If yes, Rich?
If yes, Really Low Standards?
If yes, Refund Me For the Remaining Weeks of My Eharmony Subscription?
If yes, You Had Said Yes, To Really Low Standards, Right?
If yes, Hey.
If Hey, phone#?



5) Where were you the first time you forgot your toothbrush and so had to brush your teeth using your Index finger?

6) Tetanus Shot or Rabies’ Shot?

7) “This sentence is False.” True or False

8) Do you do oil paintings? If so, how much would it cost to have a portrait done? (as Zeus—I don’t know if that affects the cost.)

9) I have a lily pad that doubles in size every day. If it takes 60 days to fill half of the pond in the pond room of my penthouse, how long does it (the lily pad) take to fill the whole pond in my pond room (Cheating is most decidedly not allowed on this question. )

10) Fill in the blanks, “Whistling scrap metal is to magical world peace as ______________ (6 letters) is to ________________________ (8 letters).”

11) Want a really big lily pad?

12)Least favorite fraction: ¾, 24/32, or 48/64 (This is a trick question.)

13)Surveys?

O.K. Now if you have read this you must pass it on to five thousand other friends, or the Curse of the Mummy is Going to Bring you Ebola and when you get treated for it instead of being taken to the hospital, you are going to be taken to that room where they keep the Ark (Cf. Raiders of the Lost Ark) and instead of treating you they are going to just open up the Ark and then you are going to have all those crazy swirly things coming at you and when the swirly scary things are done with you, they are going to go after your friends and your family and your political and religious affiliations and eat your pets!

So definitely pass it on and Thanks again to Jean for providing us with a wonderful time!

A Book Review of "Meet Meat The Butterfly Tree."

(This professional quality review is of a book written by COI fan Finding Fair Hope.)

I'd like to start off by saying that when I first recieved this book, I wasn't sure what to expect. I had a little trouble with the title, "Meet Meat the Butterfly Tree." To my mind this title was either unnecessarily obscure or unnecessarily sexually explicit. Either way I am pretty literate, so if it confused me you can imagine that it would confuse others.

(Of course once you read the book, or as I did, read it seventeen times, you will find the mysterious meaning of the book unveiled on page 78 when Mary Lois quotes a poem from Fairhope resident, Ms Duncan: "My Busy knee with your front feet; I know that all it means is meat." See it all becomes clear!)

Despite the confusing start, once you open it up, the book is autographed to me! I thought this was a nice touch. Because even though the title mystified me, the inscription did suggest that I was pretty much the best writer ever.

I thought the autograph was pretty good. And I am something of an authority on the topic of autographs. Obviously, I have a lot of autographed books inscribed to me. Also, I have given out a lot of autographs. But I don't have a book, so I have to print out my short stories from the internet and autograph those. (P.S. For Sale!)

The books is about a very nice town, though the name of the town elludes me. I guess the parts about the nice town bothered me because I grew up in the hood. I felt jealous that such an idyllic town existed when I had to regularly commit petty crimes just in order to afford a latin copy of the Summa Theologica.

(The book contains a number of full color photos taken when the world was still black and white.)


The last point I would like in this pretty much professional quality review is that Mary Lois mentions that there is a nearbye Nudist Colony but there are no pictures! This makes the discerning reader doubt the existence of the colony and than write the author asking for said pictures until the author is finally like, You Know What Can You Please Just Stop!

COI Professional Quality Review: ***** out of &&&&& (Five Random Punctuation Marks out of Five Other Random Punctuation Marks. Our highest rating ever!)

Escape!

In many ways I feel like my task as a writer is to play the part of a modern day monk. I withdraw from the world in order to make sense of it. To this end I frequently spend hours alone, in my home office, deep in meditation. During this time, because my desk is placed in front of a window, I often find myself wondering, How I Would Escape if I Were Trapped in the Office and There Was a Fire or Other Very Dangerous Threat Outside My Office Door.

The penthouse is very high, so it seems like the simple jumping out the window wouldn’t be safe. Before you read further you may want to think about how you would get out of such a life threatening situation: trapped in my office you are unable to leave except through the windows. Think quickly! The Smoke or Other Secondary Characteristics of the Threat is spreading quickly.

I have devised two methods to escape to freedom(For those who weren't payin close attention, I note that I have just given away the meaning of the title for you.) As you read them, compare my method with yours.

The first method is to drop my three large bookshelves out the window, one on top of each other. That would be so fun to climb down all of those book shelves.

But we are trying to prepare for a disaster, so now is no time to engage in childlike fantasies. The fact is such maneuvers would be very difficult to execute while keeping my books in order. I can't stand not knowing where my books are so getting them out of order is not an acceptable solution.

This may seem counterintuitive, but I think I have developed a perfect, fool proof plan. First, I would tie two bed sheets and then tie them together(If I moved real quick I could sneak into my bedroom and be back in the office before the threat got to me.) Next I would tie the bed sheets to the ledge above the window. Finally, I would take a running jump and swing out the window and land on the neighbor's roof.

From there I wait quietly on the roof until help arrives. Various people will commend me on my fast thinking and I will humbly thank them. A very attractive girl is especially impressed and asks me out.

Only you and I will know the forethought and planning that went into my apparently effortless plan.

And The Winners Are...

The Best Under 16 Word Essay.I'm awarding the Nobel Prize to Quilly for her exceptional and prolific contributions to the field of literature by promoting my website. While she works things out with Stockholm, I have awarded her the second place prize of $5.00.

Honorable Mentions
http://we-are-to-blame.blogspot.com/

http://studiotwentythree.blogspot.com/2006/08/concept-of-irony.html

The Best Link to COI which says something really terrible about the website**. **I will not give out gift certificates for such childish behavior. Instead, you owe me a five dollar gift certificate.

Goldennib had some really outstanding entries.

While her Thirty+ entries were all fantastic, the sad truth is that 1)She admitted on my blog that she doesn't read my posts 2) Behind my back she said the following, "Mr. Fab: Justin is having a PR contest with lousy prizes."

I had big plans for her. I was going to award her thousands of dollars in prizes ($5.00 for each category she won in) and I was going to promote her serialized novel.

Obviously, trying to balance out the money owed to her with the deep psychic trauma she has inflicted on me is going to take some extensive reflection. For that reason I am delaying judgement on the case of Goldennib.


1st Place Lipogram & Rather Surprisingly 1st place from a Non-Existent Country




(Pictured: A Rare Page From the Winning Blog.)





The Big Shocker This Year.

Probably the biggest surprise this year was that I didn't win. This is surprising because I have complete and total control over the contest. The reasons why this may be are complex but suffice it to say I was not happy and hurt and confused and disappointed and shocked and dismayed and bummed and taken-off-guard and actually got some what teary eyed at one point and even now do not feel ready to talk about just how hard it was for me to not win in any category.

In order to deal with these complex but honest emotions I decided to buy some books on amazon. About a hundred dollar's worth.

That made me feel better but just to make sure that I wouldn't quickly slip back into despondency I bought an album off of itunes (Andrew Bird & The Mysterious Production of Eggs.) Music and books are a good start on the good life, but what do they matter when your belly is empty?

I could tell that I was recovering and well on my way to total recovery but just to make sure I went out and got two boxes of Chocolate Covered Bananas. I felt like a real health nut after having two of those and washing it down with a V with Juice (V-8, Vodka and Worcestershire Sauce.)

Sure, I came to understand, I may not have won in any particular category but aren't we all really winners? Or maybe not all of us, but those who didn't make fun of my contest, and of course those who entered my contest, and of course me, even though I didn't enter and part of me was kind of critical of the whole thing.

It's Not Me, It's You.

The Concept of Irony will only be posting Monday, Wednesday, & Friday. There I said it. It is true and I said it. That may be a first for this blog.

This could be temporary, this could be permanent. This may be only until September 1st or it may be until such a far off point in the future that we have renamed the calendar and in this bleak future, we refer to the year by its corporate sponsorship and the month by some goofy sound. "Really? You were born on the 9.1 of Mlup Mlup in the Year of the ipod?" People will say, after commenting that "COI is supposed to resume week daily posts on 18.6 of Qwargy in the Year of the Senseo Coffee Maker."

To be completely honest with you guys, Life has dealt me some very terrible blows. I am afraid that I have recently had some major financial setbacks. Unfortunately, at the top of that list is my car. I am showing you guys the receipt not, because I want you to feel really bad for me and buy something from my cafe press store but because I want to demonstrate just how open and honest I am being.

O.K. I do admit that trying to promote business for my store is the main reason why I am showing you the receipt. But I am also doing it to show you that I need to devote myself to the world of making money and that the only way I can maintain my almost unbelievable purity as an artist is to cut back in some areas(writing), while spending more time in other areas (watching reruns of the X-files.)

And maybe I want to focus on some other writing. After all, if someone gives me a contract to finish, or even start, my book which I believe could be a huge success, (Marley and the South Potter Code Driven Lincoln), than finances will no longer be a problem.

I know this is hard, but I look at it like that old saying, "Quality, not quantity." The only difference in this case is that what I'm trying to tell you is that I'm writing less, without actually trying to improve anything.

I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you and stay tuned for on Wed. I shall announce the winners of the greatest contest ever.

Die, Internet Monsters, Die (With Amazon Gift Certificate Prizes!)

This week I recieved a message from ebay president Meg Whitman. I was rather suprised to hear from her as we had decided it would be best to spend some time apart. But when I read her email, I could see why she contacted me. She writes "Right now, the telephone and cable companies in control of Internet access are trying to use their enormous political muscle to dramatically change the Internet. It might be hard to believe, but lawmakers in Washington are seriously debating whether consumers should be free to use the Internet as they want in the future."

I find it absolutely awful and terrible and bad that people with money would try to control the internet.

That is why I am pleased to announce the Concept of Irony Freedom of the Internet Contest. I would never have been able to afford financing this contest were it not for the very wonderful people at my Credit Card Company. Once again they are making my dreams come true.

Concept of Irony Freedom of the Internet Contest
Prizes will be awarded to the blogs which contain posts linking to the Concept of Irony in the following categories. In Each Category, 0$ will be awarded to the first prize winner. In each category a $5.00 gift certificate to Amazon will be awarded to the second prize winner. (Sorry first prize winners. The greatest writers suffer for their art. This is a rule of universe.)

1) The Link which includes the best essay on why Concept of irony is the greatest website. Essays can not be longer than 16 Words.

2)The Best Link to Concept of Irony in a Foriegn Language. The rest of your blog need not be in the foriegn language, but the whole of the post does. Since I barely speak English the primary criteria I will be using to judge these posts, is how funny they are when I use Google translate.

3) The Best Link to COI which says something really terrible about the website**. **I will not give out gift certificates for such childish behavior. Instead, you owe me a five dollar gift certificate.

4) The Best Post Containing a Link to COI which is written as a Lipogram.

5)The Best Post Containing a Link to this particular post which promotes this contest.

6) The Best Link to Concept of Irony from a Made-Up Country. (Only "Australians" are eligible for this contest.)

7)The Best Wikipedia Article that contains a Link to COI.

8)Check back for additional categories.


Fine Print.

COI refers to Concept of Irony. Post a link to your entries on the comments page. All Entries Due by August 12. Concept of Irony Will Resume August 14 With First Prize, Second Prize and Honorable Mentions. If no eligible entries are recieved for a given category Justin will use the money to by himself an awesome cheap book. Or if no one enters any category Justin will by himself one medium range book or maybe a DVD. It is weird. After talking to Meg, it seems like it really was best to each go our own seperate ways. She has her succesful website and I have mine. Like a happy version of that Harry Chapin song, "Taxi."

Please Focus on My Coffee Maker.

I want to tell you about a wonderful new invention, I invented. Actually, I didn't invent it, I discovered it. Or maybe not discovered it, but Steve the Immortal told me about it.

It is the Senseo Coffee Maker. I took a picture of it for you guys, but unfortunately my new pet, Sparky, creeped into the picture. I know you probably think that it is probably pretty easy to remove a portion of a picture, but I don't know how to use that feature of my amazing Adobe Photoshop. In fact the only feature that I know how to use is the 'draw squiggly blue lines.' So I used that feature to draw circles around my Senseo. I tried crossing out Sparky, so that I wouldn't draw attention to him.

Not that I'm ashamed of my pet. But there are three considerations. First, I never wanted my blog to be about my pets. I feel like that ground has been covered nicely by other sites. Second, some people are starting to say that I am becoming a little eccentric. I don't want to give them fuel, by seeing what my pet is. Third, I have made a lot of enemies. Sparky is growing up fast and an adult elephant can produce a hundred and fifty pounds of fecal matter. A lot of my enemies have BBQ grills and I have some very funny pranks to pull on them. I do not want their to be public evidence which could link the Steaming Hot Elephant Fecal Matter in BBQ's to me and Sparky. Me and sparky are going to make a great team.

So like I was saying. The Senseo, a really fine product.

A Psychedelic Post Inspired by Justin Watching Classic Surrealist Films.

Or Justin Trying to Crop a Photo with his newly acquired adobe photoshop?

You decide.






COI, out.

The Soundtrack of our Lives: An Interview with Timmy, Ring Tone Composer Prodigy, Age 3 &1/2

(In an effort to be more inclusive of other people COI is initiating an interview series that will decisively demonstrate that Justin is concerned with people other than himself.)

Q. It is a pleasure to meet with you. I know we are cutting into your play time, and so I am all the more appreciative that I’m meeting with someone who is responsible for creating more of the ring tones out there, than any single person.
A. (Claps hand together) Yeah!

Q. Western music is filled with young composers, but I don’t know if anyone comes as close to you for such an economically successfully start. At the age of one and a half, you had already been composing for a year.
A. (Giggles) I make noises. Mommy poofs my belly if I noisy. After bed time no more noises.

Q. Your work is said to capture the many voices that make up contemporary life. Where do you find these voices? That is talk to me about some of your raw influences.

A. I hit metal Bang, bang.. My toy goes Whirrrrrrrl. Trains go Cho-Cho-Cho. Froggies, ribbit, ribbit. Comprrh.

Q. Do you ever collaborate on a piece? Do you have plans to collaborate in the future?
A. My ringy phone! Not yours.

Q. Mahler once said, “If a composer could say what he had to say in words he would not bother trying to say it in music.” I understand the reluctance of musicians to comment on their music. But loosely speaking, let’s say for someone who is new to your work, do you have any words of guidance for someone trying to acclimate themselvesto your work? What are you trying to say?
A. Pick up phone. Talk on the phones. Talk to Mommy. (Clapping) Talk to Daddy.

Q. I’d like to play one of your recent works . It is reminiscent of a fog horn. If any of your works just say, “Pick up the phone”, it is this piece. I want to talk about, that is I’d like you to talk about, your more aggressive nature.
A. Mom can’t hear the phone when the TV is on. Noisy! I like noisy. Noisy go WHHHOOOOMP-WHOOOOOMPAH

Q. You’ve written several pieces which evoke the phone rings of the
1900’s. Talk to me about how your sense of history has contributed to your compositions.
A. Grammy’s phone goes rrrrrring. I like rrrrring

Q. Do you ever feel confined by the formal limitations of Ring Tones?
A. NO! NO! I like noises soft, noises loud. Long noises, short noises.

Q. Do you think, you will ever compose outside of the Ring Tones?
A. Someday, I want to make noises for brakes on cars. SCCRREEECH.

Q. More than any artist working today, one gets the sense that you are not only expressing the mind of a generation, but also shaping their future tastes. Can you share some of your sense of what will be next?
A. Pffffffth. Pffffffth.

Q. Did you just make a stinky?
A. {Giggles.}
ECH.

Q. More than any artist working today, one gets the sense that you are not only expressing the mind of a generation, but also shaping their future tastes. Can you share some of your sense of what will be next?
A. Pffffffth. Pffffffth.

Q. Did you just make a stinky?
A. {Giggles.}

In Which It is Explained How Justin Belly Flopped to Rock Bottom on Friday, Before 7:00 A.M.

Friday, I am sad to report, was the worst personal tragedy I have undergone since being shat upon by a bird.

Following Flannery O’connor’s advice to be at your desk in case any ideas dropped in, I was diligently trying to come up with an idea so powerful that it would make Stephen King envious.

In order to maximize blood flow to my brain (blood flow to the brain is very important for writing) I had my legs up on a pile of books at the front corner of my desk. Because I didn't want to have to reposition my body, and so steal precious idea giving blood from my brain, I thought it best that I pin the coffee cup between my knees so that I could sip as needed.

A mere ten minutes into sitting at my desk, I had an idea of unsurpassable genius.

Having such ideas is nothing strange in my office, so I lunged for the computer to record this Awesome Idea.

I believe that the idea was so powerful, that my whole brain was devoted to birthing it and it seems that the part of the brain devoted to maintaining control of the cup using my knees muscles left its duties. For as I lunged forward my knees lost control of the cup sending the coffee cup towards me. My knees, no slouches, seeing something amiss stopped the coffee cup after it rotated approximately 120 degrees back towards me.

Sadly, Friday morning I was wearing shorts. My knees, while undeniably trying to be helpful, actually ensured that the coffee cup go nowhere until it had emptied its contents down the left leg of my shorts.

I felt like the character about whom P.G. Wodehouse had said, “He emptied the cup of life only to find a dead mouse at the bottom.”

Not only was I left with an empty cup, but I could no longer sit with my legs propped up on the desk. While blood to the brain is important, as a writer, I always find hot coffee down the shorts to be a distraction. Leaving my desk, so as to clean up, the blood quickly rushed away from my brain and the idea was lost.

Film Flubs.

The Invisible Man (1933)
The invisible man removes his clothes and shoes, so as to be unseen. But as he walks, we see the prints he leaves in the snow—the prints of the dress shoes he just took off. Clearly the director is not suggesting that the Invisible Man is invisible *and* has shoe shaped feet. That would be asking just a little too much of his audience.

The Zapruder Film (1963)
Half way through the most famous home video in world history, President Kennedy’s assassination is shown. He is hit by a bullet that forces his head back and to the left. In actual Fact, Kennedy drowned in a swimming pool. (Source: The Warren Commission.)

Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail (1975)
The opening scene has King Arthur ‘galloping’ along, but instead of riding horses the King’s servant is clapping coconuts together. In order to create this effect, the film editor had to coordinate the film image with a soundtrack of horses galloping. However the effect doesn’t quite come off. The crusaders are moving at a rate consistent with 5/18 time, while the clopping sound effect is playing at 6/18 time. This creates the comical effect of having the sound of an extra ‘clop’ every 90th frame!

Bonus Flub Available on Home Video. The film was originally shot in a ration of 1.85:1. To fit the format of the screen the film was altered to a ratio of 1.78:1. This causes a moderate distortion in the distance between John Cleese’s eyes!

Jurassic Park (1993)
In this film we learn the following: 1) A group of scientists visit a secluded island. 2) On the island an eccentric scientist has created an amusement park where the theme is dinosaurs. 3) These dinosaurs have been able to outsmart the safety features and are gradually taking control of the island.

However, dinosaurs have been extinct for millions of years! Ooops.

Learning to Love You More.

It is a website. Not a commitment.

Please Read About How I Became a Hideously Deformed Freak.

And then How I Became More Of a Hideously Deformed Freak.

Even if you dont' want to read my lengthy expositions (each taking 18 hours to write) you can look at the pictures. I am thinking of using them for when I renew my membership to eharmony.

If anybody fulfills one of the assignments please let me know.

You and Me and a Movie Review that Demonstrates I am Not Dupree

Because people have refused to stop bringing up the movie You and Me and Dupree I am forced to go Medieval (specifically Scholastic) on some peeps.

The new movie starring Owen Wilson is about a best man who moves in with the newly married couple.

My situation is totally different. For example Curtis didn't ask me to be his best man. He asked his brother (Hints of Nepotism with just a whiff of Cronyism.) I think he holds a grudge from those years as my man servant.

And here is another differrence: In the movie. Well, I guess the fact that I wasn't best man is the main difference. But understand that Curtis and Jessie totally like having me around: that is why they are beginning the legal fight to adopt me.

Sure there are legal hurdles to overcome. For example I am two years older than the older of the two.

Also, they refuse to sign a prenuptial. Remember that kid who divorced his parents? I should rather like to have myself covered in the event that I choose to seek a parental divorce due to living conditions becoming unbearable or my wanting to have a plot twist for my blog.

How to Be a Well Writer: Part Two of What Could be An Infinite Series But Will Only Be a Two Part Series, This Week.

Yesterday, I suggested that you write about life. This is definitely important. So many young writers come to me and just looking at them I can tell they haven't lived life. But I am not here to critisize people who suck. I am here to help you be a less bad writer. As promised here are some rough drafts, that show how ultimately I am guided by life.

From Justin Kahn's The Story of Jeff the Director
Jeff was a very good director. But he had big ambitions that he felt weren't being fulfilled. Jeff realized that he was doing a series of very short movies, but he wanted to do something bigger. Like a two part series. But once he got to the second part, he couldn't think of anything to do.

Justin's Commentary: This is a great example of what I am talking about. Life totally feeds into, at least at the subconscious level. To begin with I have a fascinating character (What Aristotle called Catharsis.) I'm not really a director, but I've seen movies, so I know what a director is. If I hadn't really experienced life, than I wouldn't know what a director is. Anothe superb element is the creative conflict to be overcome. Obviously, I've never had a creative struggle, but I've lived life so I know other people have.

From Justin Kahn’s The Dishwasher.
When John woke up he felt terrible. He had spent more than a week at his sister's house. There he could use seperate dishes for each meal. But now he was back to living in his dishwasherless dump and felt sad that he would have to use the same plasticware for, at least, the next three meals. As if it weren't bad enough that Jeff didn't have anything to say for the second installlment of his movie.


Justin's Commentary: This is an interesting piece to look at because it shows a character with a kind of negative environmental consciousness, where he doesn't think about the waste he is causing. That is something that I could have only gained by experiencing life--specifically falling asleep during that Al Gore movie.

But beyond that deep philosophical perspective, it is largely constructed out of my experience of people I know who live in dishwasherless dumps. If I confined myself to the life in my penthouse I would never be able to write this moving tale. That's why I force myself to get out there and experience life as it is lived by all kinds of people. Like the ones without dishwashers. Losers.

How to Be a Well Writer: Part One of What Could be An Infinite Series But Will Only Be a Two Part Series, This Week.

With my recent Opium piece, the Hoi Poloi are once again awed with my Writer Ability.

Some wondered if such a feat could be accomplished even within nine hours.

Other readers have expressed awe at the endless flow of words that seem to flow from me. Endlessly.

I would like to offer a few tips on how to write serious literature.

After all, it is not just readers of my blog who are mystified by my accomplishments. I am constantly being stopped by people with, say, a Phd in Literature who say to me, “When I write everything falls flat. But when I read you, I experience life.” Or gals who get their MFA and say that despite their technical mastery, they feel that they are missing the emotional honesty which they see stamped all over my work. Rather than deal in the dry abstractions, which I am so famous for eschewing, I’d like to present some works in progress and than talk about the life experiences which fueled them.

The Kernel of My Literary Insight: You Have to Write About Life and to Write about Life You Have to Experience Life.

For example, if I didn't experience life by walking down the street then people wouldn't stop me and ask me the secret of writing. And if they didn't stop me what would I have written about before?

Even though, I am giving away the secret to being a great writer, it is important to remember that I am someone who is able not only be whisked away by inspiration but also able to commit to major literary projects which are started today and than continued on a completely different day. Like tomorrow.

As Marx Said.

"Justin is the Opium of the Masses."

Or something like that.