With Continual Reference to Justin Kahn.

Monday, July 31, 2006

In Which It is Explained How Justin Belly Flopped to Rock Bottom on Friday, Before 7:00 A.M.

Friday, I am sad to report, was the worst personal tragedy I have undergone since being shat upon by a bird.

Following Flannery O’connor’s advice to be at your desk in case any ideas dropped in, I was diligently trying to come up with an idea so powerful that it would make Stephen King envious.

In order to maximize blood flow to my brain (blood flow to the brain is very important for writing) I had my legs up on a pile of books at the front corner of my desk. Because I didn't want to have to reposition my body, and so steal precious idea giving blood from my brain, I thought it best that I pin the coffee cup between my knees so that I could sip as needed.

A mere ten minutes into sitting at my desk, I had an idea of unsurpassable genius.

Having such ideas is nothing strange in my office, so I lunged for the computer to record this Awesome Idea.

I believe that the idea was so powerful, that my whole brain was devoted to birthing it and it seems that the part of the brain devoted to maintaining control of the cup using my knees muscles left its duties. For as I lunged forward my knees lost control of the cup sending the coffee cup towards me. My knees, no slouches, seeing something amiss stopped the coffee cup after it rotated approximately 120 degrees back towards me.

Sadly, Friday morning I was wearing shorts. My knees, while undeniably trying to be helpful, actually ensured that the coffee cup go nowhere until it had emptied its contents down the left leg of my shorts.

I felt like the character about whom P.G. Wodehouse had said, “He emptied the cup of life only to find a dead mouse at the bottom.”

Not only was I left with an empty cup, but I could no longer sit with my legs propped up on the desk. While blood to the brain is important, as a writer, I always find hot coffee down the shorts to be a distraction. Leaving my desk, so as to clean up, the blood quickly rushed away from my brain and the idea was lost.

20 comments:

part-time buddha said...

As consolation, I'll let you have the last great idea I came up with. It's a title "The Collected Emails of P.G. Wodehouse."

Enjoy

Justin said...

p t b:
All I have to do to get your ideas is suffer minor burns? This is almost too good to be true.

j d k

bitingblondewit said...

Justin, that has got to be most creative excuse a man has ever come up with to explain the flow of blood to and from the brain. But maybe you should stick iced lattes from now on?

QuillDancer said...

The violence of my laughter is constricting blood flow to my brain. I will respond if I ever stop laughing.

Justin said...

biting, Thank you. I don't know if I need to switch drinks as I have recently acquired a sippy cup. Justin

Justin said...

quilly, How can you laugh when I have mild burns on my bum?

I don't get it. j.

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

"I believe that the idea was so powerful, that my whole brain was devoted to birthing it...."

Be ever so thankful the autonomic nervous system was still engaged - bladder and bowel contol being an important component.

Justin said...

bilious, your comment goes a long way in explaining why I recently saw "Adult Diapers for Writers." I guess my brain isnt as committed to writing as I once thought.

blackbird said...

I hate when that happens.

Justin said...

bb: I was thinking of starting a support group, but I didn't believe enough people would admit to having such a thing happen to them. Thank you for your bravery and courage. jk

Bert Bananas said...

I know it's too late, but next time just wring out your shorts over a strainer and you have a good chance of recapturing the idea.

'tis proud I am to pass along life's lesson hard won.

Justin said...

bert, first I am thrilled that you make three. A support group may well be in order.

second, while I always appreciate the advice, I'm not entirely clear on why I should wring them out over a strainer. Wouldn't a bowl make more sense?

QuillDancer said...

Sorry -- still laughing.

I suggest designing a cup holder for your knee .... then you could sell them in the COI gift shop.

Justin said...

quilly, like I didn't already have the knee cup holder idea...trying to take the credit. J.
P.S. please send me any diagrams you might have already sketched, just so I can compare them with mine. Thanks. Chow.

goldennib said...

I am in pain and my insurance doesn't cover spasms do to uncontrollable laughter. Any suggestions?

Justin said...

goldennib: I almost felt gratified for your encouragement, but than I realized that you are actually telling me that laughter is a preexisting condition. Which means regardless of how funny I am you would still be laughing.

j.

P.S. Healthcare does suck these days, huh?

QuillDancer said...

Justin, alas -- I am a fair hand at writing, I excel at public speaking, I am a mentor teacher, and a fair mechanic, but -- I cannot draw. If I sent you the design for my Leg Strap Cup Holder you might get the impression that it is nothing more than a garter strung through the handle of a coffee cup and strapped to someone's leg ....

Grey Shades said...

Now that, is a real tragedy! :)

goldennib said...

Justin, no one makes me laugh but you. It's even a condition with a name - Justinitis.

Miss Meg said...

Dag, yo! I hate it when I can't remember what I was just thinking. You are hysterical. I like your blog, sir.