With Continual Reference to Justin Kahn.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Escape!

In many ways I feel like my task as a writer is to play the part of a modern day monk. I withdraw from the world in order to make sense of it. To this end I frequently spend hours alone, in my home office, deep in meditation. During this time, because my desk is placed in front of a window, I often find myself wondering, How I Would Escape if I Were Trapped in the Office and There Was a Fire or Other Very Dangerous Threat Outside My Office Door.

The penthouse is very high, so it seems like the simple jumping out the window wouldn’t be safe. Before you read further you may want to think about how you would get out of such a life threatening situation: trapped in my office you are unable to leave except through the windows. Think quickly! The Smoke or Other Secondary Characteristics of the Threat is spreading quickly.

I have devised two methods to escape to freedom(For those who weren't payin close attention, I note that I have just given away the meaning of the title for you.) As you read them, compare my method with yours.

The first method is to drop my three large bookshelves out the window, one on top of each other. That would be so fun to climb down all of those book shelves.

But we are trying to prepare for a disaster, so now is no time to engage in childlike fantasies. The fact is such maneuvers would be very difficult to execute while keeping my books in order. I can't stand not knowing where my books are so getting them out of order is not an acceptable solution.

This may seem counterintuitive, but I think I have developed a perfect, fool proof plan. First, I would tie two bed sheets and then tie them together(If I moved real quick I could sneak into my bedroom and be back in the office before the threat got to me.) Next I would tie the bed sheets to the ledge above the window. Finally, I would take a running jump and swing out the window and land on the neighbor's roof.

From there I wait quietly on the roof until help arrives. Various people will commend me on my fast thinking and I will humbly thank them. A very attractive girl is especially impressed and asks me out.

Only you and I will know the forethought and planning that went into my apparently effortless plan.

29 comments:

Curtis (the manservent to his wife; no longer to Justin) said...

Is having a TV in your office affecting your sudden ADD moments? If you need someone to talk to Justin, i'm here for you. No literally, if you walk down your steps, I'm living right underneath you.

Justin said...

What? There is no TV in my office. And there is no cable to the TV in my living room. Which is why I have to get Aqua Teen Hunger Force from the library. Master Shake is so mean! j.

P.S. I am only using the elevator these days.

Pepper Medley said...

Not to diminish the urgency of your masterful, Bondesque escape...

but here's a thought: buy a fire extinguisher.

You can use it to put out a fire and/or knock out a sailor on shore leave if you hit him between the eyes with it.

If it's anything other than a sailor on shore leave causing the impending, yet unnamed danger- threat to you, you're on your own.

Good luck with that.

Justin said...

pepper medley: maybe my post wasn't clear, but this fire spread quicky, much to quickly to even think about putting it out. Honestly, if you thought about putting it out, you would probably suffocate from the smoke. But nice try.

part-time buddha said...

The only thing you need to do to escape to freedom is throw that tv out that window. That will eliminate 90% of the Threats that may ever face you.

Comrade Kevin said...

J. You don't need to escape from your room at all. I seem to remember a educational film I watched in elementary school that stated the best defense to any situation is to hide under your desk.

This puts up a magical shield around your body that will even save you from nuclear attack!

Pepper Medley said...

My apologies...I didn't realize the severity of the fire.

I thought it was a metaphor - you know, like a disco inferno.

goldennib said...

I think you all miss the point of Justin's daring escape routine - he's trying to get a date.

QuillDancer said...

Swinging out an upper-story window on knotted bed sheets will get Justin a date -- with a trauma nurse or a mortician.

Justin, I would suggest not playing with matches in the first place. Prevention is the better part of disaster survival. (Which is why it is also good to avoid dates.)

goldennib said...

Quilly: By the way, even though we disagree over the vital issue of Easter confections, I still love you. Varity is, after all, the spice of life and there is room in my life for all sorts of odd people.

And just so that sleepless Jenn doesn't get jealous: I love you, too.

Justin said...

p t b:
Somebody, apparently, hasn't seen Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

j d k

Justin said...

Comrade Kevin: I'm sorry to say your plan is unrealistic. I have a bad back. Also, the area under my desk has boxes under it. But thanks. j.

Justin said...

pepper, I knew it was a misunderstanding. j.

Justin said...

goldennib: You know, I'm tired of the bar scene & c. j

Justin said...

quilly, I don't know about a mortician, but a nurse would be fantastic. j.

Finding Fair Hope said...

If you buy a fire extinguisher now you won't have to jump out the window at all. Just put out the flames and get back to your monklike meditation. I'm sure that's what you want to do anyway.

Justin said...

finding fair hope, While I appreciate your sincerity, fire extinguishers are nothing more than snake oil. If they worked don't you think cities would just pass out fire extinguishers rather than employing whole crews of fire fighters. Anyway, I suppose where you live they don't have fires, as my audience will have a chance to find out, probably on monday, with one of the most professional book reviews of a book ever (even if you & the bellster don't care for proust).
j.

Justin said...

quilly. Oh. You don't mean like a date-date with a nurse. You mean like getting treated. Not cool. When I first read your comment I sort of thought, that you were building me up, but actual you think I would fall don't you? j.

Finding Fair Hope said...

Will you marry me?

Oops. Maybe I should wait until I read that review. Erase that question.

QuillDancer said...

Oh! Justin, I am not questioning your manly athletic ability. I am questioning your choice of using sheets for salvation. You must know, since they are one of Gollywood's favorite devices, they cannot possibly work. However, it has just occurred to me, if you do insist on attempting this, when you crash to the ground at least you'll be pre-bandaged.

QuillDancer said...

Justin this may take a lot fo forgiveness on your part to get past, but you know you have left me too my own devices for far too many days now, so I had to find other places to play.

You know I love COI -- and I suppose by extension that means I'm fond of you, too. I post here frequently, so I am hoping you will forgive me for this shameless bit of promotion, but I am trying to win a contest here -- two in fact! One for the best picture caption; one for the most shameless self-promotion (I am also hoping it is the most effective self promotion.)

Go to Belle of the Brawl and vote for Quilldancer! Don't even look at the other captions. Just trust me when I tell you mine is the best! But please, do say hello to Belle Sar while you're there - -and be sure to tell her Quilly sent you.

Thanks!

Meg said...

I'm sorta attractive. And rather impressed.

(it's weird to think of ways to escape hypothetical fires?)

Progressive Christian said...

You have a great, very funny blog! I appreciate humor (I love the bit about William Safire in your description; of course, competing with the man who came up with "nattering nabobs of negativism" is difficult). You have brightened an early Sunday morning.

dan said...

How about just running through the fire. No, really fast. I mean, people walk on fire all the time, and, if you're cool enough, you already have a pool in your back yard. . . .

There ya go! There is no way out but through, so go!

mccommas said...

I can see you!

Rodney said...

As a former professional emergency responder, I strongly recommend a "Pre-Fire Plan".

Have friends dress up in bright red or orange leotards with long flowing scarves or ribbons and dance flame-like throughout the penthouse.

Believe me. It works.

Justin said...

Rodney! That's what I need, is some good professional advice. I would launch your plan immediatiely, if only I had friends....j.

UzAiRuBiAh WeB said...

what a beautiful blog.i wish i had do this before!!

Tiny Tones said...

I thought in a fire you had to 'stay down low and go, go, go!' We were never taught anything about tying sheets together - probably because it's really hard to write a jingle with 'together' in it - meter's all wrong.