With Continual Reference to Justin Kahn.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Please Focus on My Coffee Maker.

I want to tell you about a wonderful new invention, I invented. Actually, I didn't invent it, I discovered it. Or maybe not discovered it, but Steve the Immortal told me about it.

It is the Senseo Coffee Maker. I took a picture of it for you guys, but unfortunately my new pet, Sparky, creeped into the picture. I know you probably think that it is probably pretty easy to remove a portion of a picture, but I don't know how to use that feature of my amazing Adobe Photoshop. In fact the only feature that I know how to use is the 'draw squiggly blue lines.' So I used that feature to draw circles around my Senseo. I tried crossing out Sparky, so that I wouldn't draw attention to him.

Not that I'm ashamed of my pet. But there are three considerations. First, I never wanted my blog to be about my pets. I feel like that ground has been covered nicely by other sites. Second, some people are starting to say that I am becoming a little eccentric. I don't want to give them fuel, by seeing what my pet is. Third, I have made a lot of enemies. Sparky is growing up fast and an adult elephant can produce a hundred and fifty pounds of fecal matter. A lot of my enemies have BBQ grills and I have some very funny pranks to pull on them. I do not want their to be public evidence which could link the Steaming Hot Elephant Fecal Matter in BBQ's to me and Sparky. Me and sparky are going to make a great team.

So like I was saying. The Senseo, a really fine product.

35 comments:

Finding Fair Hope said...

It is a fabulous picture, rendered almost perfect by your mastery of PhotoShop. However, I don't see anything so great about the coffeemaker.

Sterculian Rhetoric said...

I assume that Sparky is a growing Bull African elephant. The ear shape gives it away.
Will you be putting him out to stud later? Just wondering is all.
I have a few pranks that would involve his musk.
I once smeared a chemical imitating elephant oestrus on the pants of several circus clowns. Oh how we laughed when the Bull came into the ring.

Humble Beginnings said...

Sadly, it beats my photo shop abilities.

Justin said...

finding fair hope, for one thing the senseo is really expensive for a coffee maker. That alone should impress. j.

Justin said...

bilious, you know your elephant ears. Mmmmmm. Elephant Ears. j.

Justin said...

h b: Nothing sad about it at all. My talents simply lie in a picasso like genius of using photoshop. j.

Pepper Medley said...

Me thinks talent also lies in your Penn & Teller like technical mastery of misdirection.

QuillDancer said...

Justin, the books in this photo don't appear to be shrink wrapped. Ordinarily this wouldn't concern me, but it appears you have a live minature African bull elephant living on your bookcase -- which could give an entirely new meaning to the phrase, "This book stinks."

Nice coffee pot.

Comrade Kevin said...

For some reason I always pictured you as more of an orangutan kind of guy, sorta like Clint Eastwood in Every Which Way but Loose.

Right Turn Clyde!

Jeff said...

Great picture!! I've seen that on on the TV. They describe it as... "silky," I believe was the word. Would you also describe it as silky? I'm talking here about the Senseo coffee, not Sparky's poopoo.

Justin said...

pepper: Are you the one formerly known as anonymous? J.

Justin said...

Quilly, Scrappy is housebroken. Which is why you'll never find a stinky book in my house. J.

Justin said...

Comrade K: Can you get Orangutans for a house pet? I never knew. J.

Justin said...

Jeff, I wouldn't trade my Senseo for a coffee maker that isn't of greater or equal value. Silky, sounds about right. J.

QuillDancer said...

Somehow "a broken house elephant" sounds more plausible than "a house broken elephant."

What time is it when the elephant sits on the coffee maker?

bitingblondewit said...

Is your new pet's name Sparky or Scrappy? In your post it's the former and in the comments, it's the latter. And if there are two of them, wouldn't you need a special permit from your friends at City Hall?

Justin said...

biting, scrappy is the name of my Senseo. Sparky is the elephant. j.

Pepper Medley said...

Tempted as I am to say yes, I don't want the real Anonymous to hate me.

I'm formerly known as lots of things, but I generally prefer "flying under the radar."

bitingblondewit said...

Ah. That explains it. Blame the blonde roots for my confusion.

Jenn said...

OK I focussed.

I didn't really see anything, but I focussed faithfully.

Now what?

phil said...

Fascinating. I will have to drop by again to track the progress of your pet.

Phil
(New Reader)

P.S. http://www.mediacollege.com/graphics/photoshop/tool/crop.html

Justin said...

Jenn, Stay Focused. J.

Justin said...

Phil, you make cropping look so easy. j.

Miss Meg said...

That's a lot of freaking fecal matter.

phil said...

That's because I took a semester off school to learn how to do it. My professors tell me that in a year, I might just learn how to insert text into my photoshop creations (*drool*). Though I have yet to master that pen circling technique you've demonstrated.

So right now, I'm forced to print out my photos, using my crayons to circle everything, then scan them back into the computer.

Justin said...

miss meg, the elephant eats a whole freaking lot. j.

Justin said...

phil...I...I...I...thought...inserting text...was only a myth?

blackbird said...

150 pounds of fecal matter in, like, what? a day?

goldennib said...

Sparky looks awefully small to hold 150 pounds of poo. I'm assuming he produces his doodies throughout the day and then all totalled the weigh 150 pounds.

phil said...

> phil...I...I...I...thought...inserting
> text...was only a myth?

Sort of. It's a $500 Add-on package from Adobe. But if you send a check for $200, I can get you a pirated copy.

~m2~ said...

i am actually more interested in your bookshelves and artwork.

(this is one of the funniest sites i have been to in forever...i needed this. very much.)

Nancy said...

I was just wondering what the cat was planning to do with the Senseo unless he has been taught to pour the coffee, but without thumbs this might be difficult.

J.Ko said...

..and what a fine coffee maker it is.

julia said...

doesn't senseo use little pre-packaged coffee pods that, while adorable, may make for less than optimal coffee? i feel that i have seen this product in a skymall somewhere. maybe that is only for the single-serving one (and who on earth drinks ONE cup of coffee, i'd love to know).

i'm blogging on your blog. apologies...

j

Justin said...

julia: You should know that I will be blogging about the revolutionary eco-pads which will change any dependence on the pods. J.