With Continual Reference to Justin Kahn.

Monday, October 08, 2007

A Brief Post by a Hideous Man: Part One of a Two Part Series.

Today, the doctor removed the bandages that protected the finger which had been sewn up after Leo chowed down on it last week.

The doctor can't be blamed for letting out a shocked gasp when she saw the chewed hamburger lump of flesh that is my left third finger.

Despondent, I reverted to behavior patterns that I thought I had overcome: I hit a local eatery and ordered a ham and cheese.

Just when I thought I hit bottom I noticed a familiar face. A face that I had once been in a feud with.

It was Shannon. Of my blog fame.

"Hey."

"Go away--I am adopting the story of my monkey-husband for the screen! I am sorry you have failed as a writer, but not all of us want to share the same fate!!"

But I could plainly see that she was just coloring in a coloring book.

I sat down at the table next to her.

Speaking to no one in particular, I said, "I got a dog to meet girls. And all he has done is make me so hideous as to be unacceptable to even the most saintly of women."

Shannon, also talking to no one in particular said, "You have to take Leo to public places."

I,to no one at all, "I take him for walks at the ol' fishing hole and my basement, and the junk yard. But there aren't even girls my own age at any of these places."

Shannon pretending to talk on her cell phone, "Take Leo to one of those training classes to make your dog into a Police Dog. Then you will no doubt meet many eligible young ladies and they will be forced to see you week after week, unless they want to loose their tuition."

I finished my meal with a quiet dignity, plotting and scheming to meet some girls who would have to risk a sizable class tuition to get out of our relationship.

12 comments:

maleah said...

Shannon is wise. Odd, but wise. I mean, being married to a monkey is odd. But, hey, she IS married.

Shannon said...

Last night I went back to the Stone Oven in hopes that I might speak tid bits of dating/dog knowledge into the air to no one in particular, but alas, you weren't there, Justin. So, I ordered a Ham and Swiss sans mustard in your honor.
PS I'm getting used to the monkey on my back.

Comrade Kevin said...

J. Your pet already carries a lethal weapon, are you sure you want to give him a license to kill?

maleah said...

Okay, I just did a little looksie at my comment. Shannon is wise b/c she knows that you should take your pooch (ahem) to the class for doggie obedience in order to hook up with women who will be reluctant to ditch the fee without some regret. It is not necessarily that wise to be married. I learned that the hard way. But I wasn't married to a monkey. Which, in retrospect, may have been more wise that being married to a... well, I digress.

alecia, best sandwich maker in town said...

all you people who frequent the stone oven... if you don't put your dirty dishes in the correct spots i will hunt you down and punch your lights out. just kidding but i'll give you super dirty looks and send bad vibes your way. I WORK THERE!

Shannon R. said...

Alecia,
The "correct spots" are the mens and womens room toilet tanks to soak. Right? It really seems to get the crusted ham and bean soup puree off the spoons. And, I don't know how else you'd get the couscous detached from the Tiramisu remnants.
PS Is that natural spring water flowing through those tanks? It's the best tasting water in Cleveland Heights! yummers.

Too_Lively said...

You people are making me wish I lived in your community. I live in a rural area with a population of 3 3/4 and have no friends.

Justin said...

too_lively,

Still, sometimes when I get lonely, my million and a half friends don't mean that much.

j.

Justin said...

Shannon,
The correct location is actually Phoenix coffee shop. On Coventry.

j,

Justin said...

Baudrillard,
I ran out of names that begin with 'A.'

Thank you in advance for keeping up.
j.

Justin said...

maleah,

Shannon's wisdom is a many splendored thing and I thank you for clarifying its nature.

j.

Justin said...

Comrade K,

For days I lashed out at the weak and innocent because I saw you commented on Angela's post but not mine. To all of those I hurt, I'd like to say sorry.
j.