With Continual Reference to Justin Kahn.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Despite My Best Efforts I am Unable to Fit In Amongst the Neanderthals of the Fifth Quadrant.

The fact is that a combination of weak upper body strength, debilitating allergies, fibromyalgia and a certain impatience at any task which doesn't have a chance of granting me a kind of immortality, makes mowing the lawn a very difficult task for me.

In and of itself this is no problem. I know my weaknesses. I also know the many, many things that make me awesome.

But having neighbors and random hoodlums comment on my unusual mowing patterns is becoming unbearable.

It started several weeks ago, six a.m. on garbage day. I was taking out my garbage,before even having my first coffee when this beast says, You Sure Lack Your Parent's Steady Hand at Mowing a Lawn.

Today, during my sub-par attempt,a man with a poodle says, You Sure Don't Make That Look Easy.

To which I ran over his poodle with my lawnmower.

(The poodle, to make matters worse for me, was totally unharmed.)

So now, my quadrant has forced me into a corner. I'm looking into hiring or buying a goat to trim my yard.

But my sister says that is silly, I should get a llama.

I am tempted to resolve the matter by calling my old landlord. He never did anything while I was paying rent. Now that all of the contractual pressures are off, perhaps his latent genius for solving problems with spring forth.


Blaux said...

Is a llama one of those migrants looking for work outside of the home depot?

bitingblondewit said...

Justin, literary genuises do not mow the lawn-they hire neighnorhood urchins to do it for them. Your time and takent are far too valuable to waste on such menial tasks!

maleah said...

My yard crew would do it for $75 bucks a month. But you know, the gras grows fast here in Houston, so maybe you could get a better deal.

Susan Miller said...

Crop duster. You need a crop duster to spread the poison. Who needs grass? Just have fun in the dirt pit of your own yard.

Erratic Scribbler said...

nobody backs justin in a corner.

Justin said...

After a weekend of watching Black Adder, I can see your point. But it took some distance to realize that I was unbackable, cornerwise.

Justin said...

Susie M,
Way to put us on a government watch list.

Justin said...

Including travel expenses?


Justin said...

I completely one hundred percent agree with you.

That is why I have started mowing the lawn of the weird reclusive, presumably a writer, at the corner.


Justin said...


I believe you are thinking of an Android or advanced robotics unit.

Number five is indeed alive.