With Continual Reference to Justin Kahn.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Like Kafka's Letter to His Father, Only Silly

(Pictured: The envelope containing the aplication for the Miss America Pageant sent to my Dad)

Dearest Father:You asked me recently why I maintain that you are not going to do so well in the Miss America Pageant. I could not immediately come up with an answer because it took me by surprise. Especially after Mom had just revealed to me that the secret ingredient in her muffins is concrete.

Allow me to elaborate. To begin with you are the wrong gender and nearly something like 600 years over the oldest age category. But you can't help that. Let's look at how the winner will be selected: Poise and formal wear (30%);Personality During an Interview (30%); On Stage Personal Introduction (30%) and Community Service Project. Let's not even talk about formal wear. If you are going to really shine in the interview you can't complain about 'the proliferation of junk mail.' Everytime we try and talk about the pageant you let out these rants against people selling your personal information. This doesn't say 'Miss America' to me. To date there is no reason to believe the tirades will decrease, so let's focus on your best shot: Community Service Project. It is only worth 10%, but maybe if you do something fantastic they will give you extra credit. Might I recommend ending world poverty? If you beat Bono to it, that just may do the trick.

As I reread this letter I am surprised by my own negativity. You never said a negative word to me when I told you my dream was to compete in olympic blogging. Of course you, also never told me that blogging isn't an olympic sport or that there was no Olympics this year.

Again with the negativity. I'm sorry. I wish you the best. Yet, I am unable to think of advice which might improve your odds.

My final thought is I definitely wouldn't try bribing the judges with Mom's Muffins. Maybe you could throw them at the other contestants.



Ali said...

I think I might be in love with you.

Anonymous said...

It's your fathere here... stop it! I said STOP IT!

Cornflake King said...

Your blog is fantastic.
Love it.


Justin said...

ali: Is that really a picture of you? B/c if so, today is my lucky day. j.

Justin said...

anonymous:I think you have me confused with Kafka. No problem, Happnes all the time. J.

Justin said...

CK: Thanks. It is always nice to recieve a kind word from royalty.

Ali said...


Not me, but my tattoo... so close.
I'm sure there are pics of my on my blog somewhere, but I really wouldn't want to ruin the mirage...

Jenn said...

See Justin, the list of reasons this would not work grows longer and longer:

a)am spam bot
b)live in Lala-land
c)uses chocolate and caramel rather than concrete in muffins...
d)you prefer Ali.

sigh. And you looked so cute reading that book in that picture.

Justin said...

ali: Although I have certain theological reservations about angels with but four fingers, I still think it is an admirable tatoo.


Justin said...

a)do you think I'm shallow or something.
b)We will work on the sublte mistakes you make in describing your geological location.
c)I was kind of thinking I would do all the cooking. But I like trying exotic foods.
d)Ali and I are just friends. Are differences in the field of angelogy are just too great.

Sigh. Welll, I have a good personality anyway. Kind of.

Scheherazade said...

I had to add you to my diet under "irony supplements."

clever, clever Justin. (i just read your piece in McSweeney; McSweeney I'm not too fond of; but your piece I liked)

Justin said...


When I read your post I knew what had to be done.

But seeing that it is getting late, I will have to save the story for tomorrow.


Justin said...

Scheherazade, but tonight I have energy to say thanks for the link.

printingworld said...