With Continual Reference to Justin Kahn.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Lifeboat Madness Continues: Please Quote/Unquote Rescue Me.

(I was so impressed by the story and reflections contained in Life of Pi, that I decided to try my hand at the lifeboat genre. I hope that my eventual reviews of Henry James and Jane Austen will provide similiar fodder for my literary endeavors. )

The USS Irony was a very important boat. For it contained the cryogenically preserved bodies of some very important people:The Brain of Walt Disney, for example; other organs of other people; and the full body of a number of people in late stages of various incurable diseases.

At the very same time the USS Irony was making its way across Lake Erie the military was running training exercises for its submarines. Tragically, one of the submarines released a heat seaking missile at the very same time Captain Ahab of the USS Irony had just lit his pipe. And so the USS Irony was hit by a heat seeking missiles. Say no to smoking. Also,say no to missiles.

Hearing the sound of approaching doom, the chief engineer managed to load nine of the subjects on to a LIFEBOAT before the ship sunk. The chief engineer did this not only to save valuable human lives, but also and because he thought that creating such a dramatic situation of people would provide a forum for deep and profound thought, previously undreamt of.
The survivors on that lifeboat are the Cryogenically Frozen:

1)Ronald—A Vegetarian Chef

2) Nancy—A Stir Fry Cook.

3) The Ear of Roy—Ronald’s Brother and Ex boyfriend of Nancy.

4) The Sour Taste Buds of a ninja preserved in a special container though it just looks like a rather large Tupperware container. He gave up his vegetarianism after dating Nancy.

5) Jonathan--A Pacifist who, unbeknowst to anyone is the nephew of Ronald, Father of Nancy, and Mentor to the Ninja. Little does Jonathan known that a former Mentee has become a ninja. Even less does he know that the same form mentee is frozen right next to him!

6) Mr. Dowling-A lapsed priest who decided to be frozen until his faith could be restored.

7) Charles Shaw, a 2004 Merlot put in a $75,000/year containment system by
way of a paperwork error.

8) Richrd Parker a bear who roars.

9) The Toe of David, a cryogenics expert.

As you can see, I‘ve developed some very interesting characters, what E.M. Forester would call ‘Round characters.'

Obviously there is a lot of dramatic potential here. The merlot should be much cloers to room temperature. If it doesn't get there it will be totally ruined in such conditions.

I kind of got writer’s block at this point, but I feel like I’m really on to something. If anyone has suggestions of where this story could go, feel free to let me know. I’ll plunder and steal from wherever I can. Also, I had some creative difficulties with coming up with names for the Ninja. My instict was to go with "Smitty" but my critical editor keeps whispering "That's redonkulus."


Ruby said...

You could name your ninja Ruby, after me. I am a ninja. I am also a princess. Fear for your life. I also highly reccomend askaninja.com for your ninja research, which I am sure you will do plenty of as your novel progresses. Good luck!

Justin said...

ruby: I can't believe I didn't think of that before. Justin

Jenn said...

I don't have any pertinent suggestions. It is the kick-off for the World Cup and I have just been out for a night of hedonism.

Wine on the brain prevents me from being lucid.

I didn't understand your story...but that's OK. I walk around not understanding half the stuff that's happening anyway.

I am . . . Andy Harding said...

Where the fuck is this fucking boat? can't somebody blast it into the fucking stratiphere before we're all fucking infected ?

Andy - Very fucking worried

sharon said...

Hi Justin,

Great site. I think you should write for the New Yorker, especially their humor column. I don't understand their stuff either.

Justin said...

i am...andy harding:

Lake Erie.


Justin said...

Sharon: That is one of the kindest mean things anyone has ever said to me. I very much hope to write for the New Yorker someday. Or at least the onion. Or maybe your blog.

Thanks for dropping by.

Paradoxdb3 said...


I came across your blog by browsing Blogger.com. Did you write your own profile? It's written in 3rd person. Anyway, I have a blog you may enjoy...you and all your friends are welcome! Come see it here. It's funny, so enjoy!

Mighty Dyckerson said...

This blog gives me diarrhea.

Temerity said...

lol. Brilliant. I just finished reading Life of Pi myself. Very curious as to see what comes of your version. There's definitely a lot of potential in the toe I think.

sharon said...

Hi Justin,

You really ought to stick with the New Yorker. The Onion is a good backup plan, but you'd really be slumming it on my blog. It's a cold, dark, nasty place where there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth - mostly by my mother, who's pretty much my most loyal vistor. (I've often had to speak to her about it.) Do you think it means something that we use the same template? I feel a sort of kinship.

I n g e r said...

The merlot. I think it's all boiling down to that. Something about reductionism, or being hermetically sealed, or at least aged and corked.

Do continue.

Bessie said...


How long do you plan for your characters to be on this life boat? Is there any chance that Nancy may use the toe and the wine to concoct some delicious meal? Perhaps they may eat the Priest? After all, killing him will force him to meet his maker and regain his faith....


Mandolina Dora said...

What if you called the Ninja "Smurf" Ninja.

The irony is that he isn't.

The bi-rony is that he's blue.

Justin said...

Mandolina Dora:
Actually the ninja is a smurf.

Would it make my story clearer if I included that detail.


LeChuz said...

You got to go with Toe, Justin. The stir fry cook could cook it up for the Veg Chef, the priest could bless it, the bear could get drunk on the Merlot and eat the stir fry instead to save the Veg Chef. Of course, the toe would contain some incredbile key to the universe.


GC said...

happening upon this blog by hitting the 'next blog' button really made my late snack work.
i dont read the new yorker, and yet i still found you amusing

HawthornThistleberry said...

I think the joke's on Mr. Dowling.