With Continual Reference to Justin Kahn.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Battling the Demons Within (Not for the Faint of Heart)

If you saw me on the street you wouldn't guess the pain and terror I am going through. It is good that I can keep up appearances, for if I didn't, nearly all of my friends would disappear. Except you.

That is why I can tell you that I have been fighting an enemy that can't be stopped by my state of the art penthouse security system or the Bulky Body Guards that get six figures to keep me safe. For I am engaged in a battle with an enemy deep within.

O.K. Not exactly within, but definitely under the cuticles. My personal demon is the one that lives under your toenail. It sucks, because whenever I look at a magazine or some of the less tasteful cereal boxes I see the thing staring back at me. But on the other hand, it reminds me that I am not alone facing this wicked demon.

Last night, I finally gained a victory. I ripped off his arm and shoved it down his disgusting little throat. I had to do this with tweezers because you know the thing is actually really small. This morning though I realized I made a mistake. When I killed the Foot Fungus Monster I thought that was the end of the story. Little did I know that his Mother would be back. Did I say with a vengeance? I did.

That was not expected. Foot Fungus' mother (Her Name is Kelly) is not something those commercials warn you about. When I saw this terrible beast it occured to me, that in a metaphorical sense I too was becoming a monster. Willing to destroy life for what I wanted & living under cuticles--Was I really so different from the foot fungus monster?

Lucky for me, Kelly is just about the same size as her son. I beat her to death with a fingernail.


part-time buddha said...

fungus monster = Grendel
Kelly = Grendel's mother
toenail = Heorot, the mead hall
justin = beowulf
jenn = unferth
tom hanks = hrothgar
audrey = wealhtheow
flatulent ghost = dragon

You rock.

Jenn said...

Um I am terribly flattered, but never having read Beowulf, I have to ask...who is this unferth person?

Justin, am very sorry about the foot fungus. I know what it feels like to kill a co-dependent.

I could tell you some of my prison stories, but will refrain, you being a nice well-brought up lad and all that. (Also PTB is a nice well brought up lad) I am surrounded by nice well brought up lads that I seek to lead astray...if only I could get out of this dang computer...

Let's just say that this scar on my forehead...well I didn't get that from tripping on moonbeams.

part-time buddha said...

Unferth is is really a wussie Danish warrior, but he's really the one person who questions Beowulf's strengths and ability to fight Grendle. I meant that you're the one who challenges Justin and his abilities as leader of the free world, not in the 'wussie Danish warrior' sense. We all know you're from Micronesia.

Justin said...

P T B:
I am always amazed at your creativity. You've developed this whole symbolism.

I don't know how I feel about being called Beowulf. It kind of reminds me of David Hasselhoff. But I guess that's the point.


Justin said...

Do you know the website www.learningtoloveyoumore.com?

One of the assignments is to photograph a scar and write about it. You should submit to it.

The girl who runs it is cute. Her name is Miranda July.


Justin said...

You don't even want to see what happened to the last dude who called me a well brought up lad.

Justin said...

P T B (2)

Unferth is starting to grow on me.

J D K (2)

Jenn said...

No offence. I meant in relation to me. You would be.

And PTB, a wus? Me? Really?

Justin said...

Are you challenging me?


Jenn said...

I am not now nor have I ever challenged you.

Unferth forsooth!

part-time buddha said...

Jenn: I didn't mean that you're a wuss. I would never call someone with a scarred forhead a wuss. I was trying to point out that while the text treats Unferth as though he's a wuss, he is the only one courageous enough to challenge Beowulf.

Most of my scars are related to bicycle accidents or pizza ovens, but I could tella few prison stories too. And when I finsih this week's seires, you'll not think me 'well brought up'.

Justin: I'm surpirsed. I really thought you were basing your post on Beowulf and I just expounded upon it, though I'm proud that I started this virtual melee.

And Beosselhoff is cool.

goldennib said...

Wow, you all have this whole fantasy game thing goin' on. Cool.

Please do not go this route to take care of the monsters in your toenails:


occasionalconfusion said...

Very creative and luv the name Kelly for a fungus....

Melanie said...

I hate that commerical for toenail fungus. The way that little gremlin thing pulls up the toenail freaks me out. I'm sorry you have it.

some0girl said...

wow. i found you by accident. the BEST things happen on accident. your blog rocks something hard. (:

QuillDancer said...

Sir, be you Beowulf or not, there is a magic elixir with which you can combat the enemy within. Said potion will not require blood letting because it is a localized treatment. Alas, it is also slow, but I have practically reclaimed my thumbnail from Kelly's kith and kin.

Take yourself off to your nearest naturopathic apothecary (failing that, Trader Joe's will do)and pick up a bottle of Australian Tea Tree Oil. Apply it four or five times daily (use a clean Q-tip each time)to the effected areas and watch as healthy pick slowly begins to emerge.

kelmaree said...

Personally i think kelly is an awful name for a toe fungus- but then my opionin is just a little bias.
Who is beowulf?? is he in some book i really should have read??

Justin said...

I wish someone would name a fungus after me.

I've never heard of Beowulf either. Especially in the Recent Seamus Heaney Translation.

Justin (not a fungus)

Aibe's Ghost said...

The unfortunate news about "Lamisil" is it only works in 39 % of the cases it is prescribed for..
Gotta try some of that Australlian Tea Tree Oil!

Pamela Hollosnap said...

Hysterical!!!! holy hell I love this blog!

shayla said...

I just happened to stumble onto your blog.

Very interesting.

Though, why do you have so many blogs?