With Continual Reference to Justin Kahn.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Guest Blogger Mondays: I've Fallen In Love With My Blog

By Garry Evens

It happened by accident, see. I was minding my own business, see, learning to talk like a film noir. And here's the way it went down: I tried to log onto my account and Blogger wouldn't let me. And why not? I tell you, why, friend. Robots. Spam robots.

Here's the message from Blogger:

Your blog is disabled

Blogger's spam-prevention robots have detected that your blog has characteristics of a spam blog. ( What's a spam blog?) Since you're an actual person reading this, your blog is probably not a spam blog. Automated spam detection is inherently fuzzy, and we sincerely apologize for this false positive.

You won't be able to access your blog until one of our humans reviews it and verifies that it is not a spam blog. Please fill out the form below to get a review. We'll take a look at your blog and restore it in less than a business day.

If we don't hear from you within the next 20 days, your blog will be permanently deleted.

I thought about that phrase over and over: "One of our humans review it?" No human reads my blog (I have over 17 emails from a litter of cats in Ottowa, Manitoba to prove it!). And I thought about said robot's ultimatum: "your blog will be permanently deleted." I quickly opened up my mailbox and sent my blog an email--an impassioned plea for restoration. I wrote: "If Blogger is reading this, please restore my blog. I don't have much to live for anymore. This blog is all I've got left, man. I'm broke. The Tall Dark Haired Girl is consuming much of my good brain power. And I'm broke. This ain't spam. I swear it. Oh, God, restore my blog."

That's when I realized that I'd fallen in love with my blog (cue "Wonder Years" music).

You see, falling in love with a real human being doesn't make much sense. I've been pining away for The Tall Dark Haired Girl for months now and I've been getting pretty frustrated. Sure, my blog doesn't give me much in the way of conversation. I mean, it's quite cold, really. But it's loving in its own way. It never complains about my bad grammar or typos, and when I write something that's not particularly funny, it doesn't let on its disappointment. I never have to ask it out or try to read into the way it talks to me, and I never have to comb my hair in a way that covers up my bald spot (because tall girls can see that sort of thing). Yes, my blog and I. We've been friends for over two years, and, yes, I nuked all of my previous posts. What was I supposed to do? I was frustrated by The Tall Dark Haired Girl and my mind was all messed up. I can only hope my blog can forgive me and love me despite my lack of good judgment.

In the end Blogger restored my blog. Turned out my posts were just being ironic. I was just having some fun, as the kids say. Robots can't detect irony, see. They only know death, destruction and canned meat products. They know nothing of love.


Taihae said...

bloglove is great. Its the divorce, subsequent alienation from the fruit of ones union, numerous wine soaked nights asking yourself "where did we start posting MEMES? how did it go so wrong?!", and eventual deletion that's tough. I think you'll make it, though. Got one of my good feelings.

goldennib said...

Is it possible you only THINK you love your blog because someone else tried to take it from you?

Anonymous said...

Taihae: The great philosopher Toni Tenille once said, "Love. Love will keep us together." I can only hope she's right.

goldennib: You might be onto something there. I'm going to do a double-blind study of my true feelings to make sure they are real and true.