With Continual Reference to Justin Kahn.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Concept of Irony Goes Into Over Time: The Dave Eggers Saga Concluded.

By Shannon "Please Stop Attributing Quotes To Me" Simpson

“You mean that silly poem Justin and I submitted to McSweeny’s forever ago?”

“Silly!” The Eggman shook his head in disbelief.

“Well, you rejected it, I mean we got a whole letter and everything.” I had no clue where this was going.

“Sheer genius. GENIUS!” Dave said his eyes almost popping out of his head. “Don’t you see Shannon? You must start paying attention. Of course we couldn’t publish it. Isn’t it obvious?!” he motioned for me to lean in closer and cupped his hand around my sweat filled ear and whispered “Save the Bacontina, Save the World.”


“Listen, The Eggman doesn’t have time to explain,” he began to explain pulling a pad of notepaper from his satchel. “Hand your book to The Eggman and I can act like I’m signing it. Hurry!” he insisted. I handed over my brand new copy of “What is the What” and he scribbled hurriedly on the title page. “Read this later, when you’re alone. And remember what I’m about to tell you, Shannon. Relay this word for word to Justin. The two of you hold the key. You must never write this down or let it get into the wrong hands. Okay? The key is in the Bacontina and what I’m about to tell you. Okay?! Are you ready? Okay, pay attention! There’s a place in France” he began, “Where the naked ladies dance.”

I furrowed my brow unsure through my sweaty ears if he’d said “prance” or “dance.”

“Listen!” he said. “And a whole in the wall where the men can see it all. Did you get that” he asked? I nodded.

At that moment it seemed, Vegaterri had finished her recounting of the evil screaming bitch-baby and bopped on over to the table.

“Other peeps need to rap with the Davester too.” She hinted.

“Sorry,” I began.

“No, it’s okay Shan, do you want a picture? I’ve got this nifty pixilated camera doohickey here if you’d like to commemorate the moment?”

“It would be my honor,” smiled Dave acting calmer than I’d seen him all night.

“I will talk with Justin tonight.” I whispered as Vegaterri’s camera whirred to life.

“Ahh, good. Very good.” Dave said and gripped my hand in a reassuring shake and we both smiled broadly as Vegaterri snapped the picture.

My time with Dave ended I walked to the exit. I tried to think about what had just happened, what I was to do, and what might be to come. I looked back and saw Vegaterri once again recounting her Bitch-baby tale to Dave with sweeping arm motions and a flurry of F-bombs.

Alone, I opened my book. On the title page Dave had written:

“To Shannon Your Attention means the world. DE”

And then I knew what I had to do. “See you in Harlem, Dave” I whispered. “See you in Harlem.”

1 comment:

Comrade Kevin said...

I hope there's a sequel next season because this is like watching '24' without the torture and stilted dialog!