This group of people brought it to my attention that with a little more than a week to go, it seems like I should have more to show for my novel writing efforts than just a list of words. Not one to take criticism well, I first slashed their tires (12 in all!)
Then I realized they were right. The world's greatest novels have so much more to them than just words. For example at least half of them have fonts.
That's why I turned the "Lemons" (so to speak) of stupid people's criticisms of me into the "Gold" of another novelistic advance. I have come up with my own font that I will write my novel in. It is loosely based on the Word Verification Font from the comments page.
This has two major advantages. First the font will connect me to the blogging community from which I will be stealing most of my ideas. And second, it will prevent the spambots from reading my novel. Which, while freeing me up to answer fan mail from people, does kind of make me sad for the spambots. It is going to be a great, great novel.
16 comments:
you only have 6 days left to write a novel. how about a short story instead?
p.s. your handwriting is much more beautiful than the font, and i am never sarcastic at all...
p.p.s. that is a lie.
alanis:
I'm glad someone still reads my blog.
Anyway, I think six days are plenty. Herman Melville wrote Moby Dick in four days and dan brown wrote the DaVinci Code in forty five minutes.
j
Maybe you should check to see if there's a National Short-Short Writing Month...(or you could start your own)...then you'd already be done.
Lisa,
It seems like in terms of basic principles of calendar creation if there is a whole month devoted to Writing a Novel, there couldn't be more than a week devoted to short stories. But a week is hardly enough time to embody my artistic vision. J.
you think you are sooooooo funny calling me all those crazy names.
and i guess you kind of are.
BUT NOT REALLY!
have fun with your next cup of caribou coffee... it might be dirt flavored.
muahaha
I think you should through some religious things in this novel. Mention a code, factor in some celebrities from television sitcoms of yore, etc. Though I'm not sure you could get a desktop calendar deal out of it, you sure as hell will get inspire a hit song or two on YouTube.
Do all this in 6 days. Rest on the 7th. Trust me. You'll be totally rich.
aladin---
So funny you mention it, I really like Carribou coffee. They have such high standards that I doubt they would ever serve a cup of coffee that tastes dirt like. Or even dust like. j.
Huh. And be sure to proofread. Of course by 'through' I meant 'strategically position'.
Sophie T,
I needed an agent before this month was up. What do you get, ten percent?
j.
You could fake write a book, ala OJ, and name it "If I Wrote the Book, Here's How I Would Have Done It".
Have your people contact my people. We'll draw something up with extremely fine print.
I like books with lots of pictures. Like with choo choo trains, funny animals, and naked women. Will your book contain any pictures?
I was really suprised you didn't invent an invisble font.
I just woke from a turkey induced sleep. What is all this talk about writing? I read the whole lot of it and all I saw was the word naked. Pass the dirt coffee.
Just remember, for it to be a successful piece of writing you need an introductory paragraph containing three an intro sentence, three clauses introducing your following body paragraphs, and a closing sentence, three body paragraphs that follow your introductory clauses, and a concluding paragraph that restates your introductory paragraph in slightly different words.
Oh, and never speak in the first person. Or use word contractions like "don't" or "suck'd". I'm so glad going to school prepared me so thoroughly to be a good writer.
Make that font a little larger and you can get by with writing fewer pages or you can write an average size novel and it will look like one of those thick books smart people carry around.
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