With Continual Reference to Justin Kahn.

Friday, November 10, 2006

The J.K.S.W.S.F.D.S. &O.E.S.

Last Friday my car was the victim of a vicious attack by snow.

One of the few drawbacks to living in the Penthouse is that it doesn't have a garage. This does kind of make sense, since mine is the rare car that could make it to the top of a building. As things are, I am forced to park my car outdoors.

Now that it is snowing, I have given serious thought to what I'm going to do. And the short answer is the Justin Kahn Star Wars Snow Flake Defense System and Outdoor Entertainment System.
I would like, at the outset, to emphasize that this is a purely conceptual post. It describes a really, really good idea, but it is only an idea. The J.K.S.W.S.F.D.S. &O.E.S. has not yet been built*.

The system will protect the airspace surrounding my car from Un-American Snow. This is done through three related key component.

Key Component #1) A satellite system borrowed from the Star Wars Defense Initiative of the 1980's. These are nuclear powered satellites which are able to monitor the snowflakes in the region of my car. In terms of my concept picture, I wanted to make much bigger satellites, but photoshop kept shrinking them down every time I pasted them into the picture. Still, if you squint your eyes and look in the upper right hand corner you can kind of see the mighty satellites.

Critics will certainly point out that my incredible system isn't justified by the five billion dollar price tag, but I respond that it is my money and I will do what I want.

Tree hugging critics will point out that it is not safe to put nuclear powered satellites into orbit, especially when (as has happened in tests) snowflakes are able to knock the satellites out of orbit. To this, I can only say that these critics are just jealous of my awesome satellites.

Key Component #2) Light Sabers Taken from the movie Star Wars. These will literally melt any snow before they can get to my car. If you have seen Star Wars, you know that Light Sabers can move extremely fast. For that reason I believe that four sabers will represent reasonable protection of my car.

Key Component #3) Not Pictured: Manually Operated Snow Removal System. I will keep one of these in my car. If there is an emergency like Comrade K shoots a satellite down then I will be able to clear off the car with either the scraper side or the soft brush side. Of course, if my nuclear powered satellites come crashing down, I don't think removing snow is going to be my biggest problem.


*Or has it?

21 comments:

goldennib said...

I saw one of these for sale at WalMart for $19.99.

Susan Miller said...

Maybe, just maybe you can modify the initial drawings to employ a collection apparatus. Rather than destroying the precious flakes you can sale them to Southerners who skipped around in 78 degree temperatures yesterday. Snow? Your picture only perpetuates the myth.

part-time buddha said...

I will trade you my lightsabre for your window-scraper/brush thingy.

Comrade Kevin said...

Living in Montana, I too have felt the cold sting of snowflake attacks. You have a great plan Justin and I will do my best to resist the nearly unresistable urge to shoot down nuclear satellites.

I only have one small question in your plan. I know snowflakes are white just like Emperial Stormtroopers so it seems like light sabers are the way to go. But while Emperial Stormtroopers are all genetic clones each snowflake is UNIQUE! How do you plan to compensate for this?

Taihae said...

you can radically cut down on cost if you hire a couple out of work artists to stand over your car with heat guns. not as flashy, I know, but you can tell them its a piece of performance art and set up a video camera and they'll stand there all winter.

Justin said...

taihae,
I appreciate the thought, but it would seem to me that a video camera would be cost prohibitive.
j.

Justin said...

Comrade K: All happy snowflakes are alike, but each unhappy snowflake is unhappy in its own way.

So basically, I guess I'm just going after the happy snowflakes. J.

Justin said...

p-t b:

Is the battery still good?

j-d k

Justin said...

taihae,
I appreciate the thought, but it would seem to me that a video camera would be cost prohibitive.
j.

Justin said...

goldennib,
It may be a similiar design, but I am confident it is not the J.K. &C.

J.

Christina said...

Another cost-effective stratagem would be using double-bladed sabers instead of single-bladed sabers. I'd be happy to let you borrow one of mine, since I'm a huge freakin' nerd. Two of them rotating over your carspace should be enough to neutralize any imminent snow-threat.

Maleah said...

My mom had a portable "sun-lamp" that she somehow setup to shine down over her bathtub in the early 70's. I think it was some really safe rigging like an extension cord. That baby put out some light and heat. Maybe you could use one of those.

Justin said...

Christina, I didn't know the double bladed sabers had come out yet. I could give you my single blades for two doube blades--the Savings Will Be Astronomical!

j.

Justin said...

P.S. I can't believe I have missed two of your updates. My priorities are all wrong.

Justin said...

Maleah,
Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You
Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You
Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You
Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You Thank You

j.

Justin said...

p.s. light and heat. That is a rare combination. But if the lamp wasn't strong enough to evaporate the tub water, I don't know if it could take on cleveland snow.

Maleah said...

It was strong enough that you had to wear these strange, red goggles to be anywhere in the vicinity or it might sear your eyes... andsomethingorotheraboutitwasreallybadforskin actually.

Maleah said...

okay, okay. I get it. I'm under stress lately. How about something more practical like I stand there and cry over the car and melt the snow with tears of regret?

goldennib said...

Just Keep Snow White Safe From Dwarfs Society & Old Evil Stepmothers

Mind Curry said...

awesome..i just wanted to know if these satellites are geosynchronous? will i be able to rent them ? i can pay about USD 1 million per hour, but keep that between the two of us.

Danny said...

Come on people, let's get practical. You want to cut down on costs? You simply do what mankind has been doing for years: hire less intelligent beings to work for you. If they get out of hand or try to organize you bring in the muscle.
I'm thinking that maybe you could wait until the next big snow fall, build two...maybe three snow men and have mark the area off with snow cones and violla! vip. They push their own kind out of the way, you pay them minimum wages with no benefits (seasonal work and all)...You'd be like the friggin' Wal-mart of snow removal with your original snow thugs...awesome