With Continual Reference to Justin Kahn.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Get Out the Cigars! (w/some very sensitive reflections by Justin.)

My parents live nearby.

But all that is going to change. My parents are moving to Missouri. Or maybe Montanta. Somewhere that most definitely has an M in the name. This was a hard decision for reasons that my readers could not know. As my parents were deciding on the move to Miami, they knew I was trying to determine if I was ready to adopt.

I am a lonely old man who names his bookbags. Through adopting I hoped to alleviate my loneliness--by having the kid do housework, I could get out and meet people.

So, I began shopping around for something I could afford. But then the shopping stopped: The day before my birthday this beautiful baby was left on my doorstep.

I couldn't be more happy.

My parents want to be around to help me raise my boy, Henry Plantagenet. (Age-Net? Nevermind.) But I feel that I'm up for the task of raising lil' plantie by myself. I encouraged them to make the move to Massachusetts. Afterall, Mom and Dad prepared me well. Growing up, once or twice a week, they would give me some water and leave me by a light source. And now I think I'm prepared to show that kind of affection to my boy.

Of course, they weren't perfect. For example, they used to leave me in a bowl of dirt.

But I won't repeat their mistakes: as soon as I get around to it, I'm going to clean Henry off and put him in a nice sterile chamber, where I'll watch him thrive.


the dictionary said...

you spelled sensitive wrong & i hope your plant doesn't die.

Jenn said...

You haven't solved your problem though. Unless plantie can grow up and do housework for you, Fagin.

And I like Alecia. She has your number, methinks.

Angry Gnome said...

Congratulations in Plantie.

That's all I have to say.

Pepper Medley said...

Someone once left a bundle of Peeps on my doorstep...three days later the cops showed up and told me the "real mother" wanted them back.

Taihae said...

hes got your luxurious emerald hue and pugnacious foliage, darling! I never thought this day would come. have you got a nickname picked out? if you wait too long, his friends will pick out a humorous one, and kids can be so cruel.

Angry Gnome said...

Darn, I meant to write "Congratulations on Plantie" but writing that just now makes me realize it doesn't sounds right. Let me think about it and I'll get back to you.

Ki Two said...

Make sure he gets enough s stuff:

Some water
Social activities


Sophie T. Mishap said...

Look, photosynthesis is a huge responsibility. I hope you have a backup plan if it all goes to...well, pot.

Justin said...

dictionary, Thank you for your constant help. You seem less cold hearted than I remember. J.

Justin said...

Plantie is already big enough to do light housework, like providing atmosphere and purifying the air. Soon he'll be big enough to clean up and pick pocket for me.

Justin said...

angry gnome,
Sorry it took me awhile to respond. I was trying to figure out exactly what you were conveying to me. But after much reflection, I can say thank you very much. j.

Justin said...

Pepper, if your maternal instinct is half as honed as mine, that must have been a very difficult time for you. j.

Justin said...

How come everytime someone calls me darling, it is after the phrase, 'pugnacious foliage'?

I just wish it was something like, "Frankly, Darling..."

Anyway, no I don't have a nickhame yet. I'm open to suggestions.

Justin said...

angry gnome,
This is like getting a snowday. I was overjoyed by your first comment (once I made a reasonable guess as to what you meant) and now I have another good wish to look forward to.

You the nicest gnome,

Justin said...

ki two, Not only is he getting sleep, but when he does I run the vacuum cleaner. That way he grows accustomed to being able to sleep under any conditions and it tricks my neighbors into thinking I clean.

Justin said...

Just give me a chance! For example since plants like being talked to I'm going to play it some of your DJing. If I can figure it out. Don't go calling plant services yet.

I will try my best, even if I don't have a primary plan, let alone your fancy back up plan.

Maleah said...

That baby looks like it has the potential to grow into the plant-beast from "Little Shop of Horrors." I hope you know what you are getting into. Sure, it's cute now, but soon enough they all start making demands.

Jenn said...

That's perfect. Then Justin can call plantie Audrey...

Taihae said...

or Frankly.

Maleah said...

Hey, wait. Yes, it's all making sense. The plant can be Audrey II. Justmour pines for Audrey. He'll feed Audrey II a drop of his own blood by accident as he euthanizes his shoes and thereafter his virtual blood by way of his shredded writings, thereby negating his need to recycle. Audrey will see how well he can nurture living things and take care of the planet and fall madly in love with him. Madly. Only this version has no bad singing.

Jenn said...

Aw shucks. I was hoping to hear Audrey 2 holler out a version of "feed me, Justin, feed me!"

goldennib said...

How can your parents leave now that they have a grandson?

armadillo said...

i think that little shop of horrors has AMAZING singing!!

i feel like watching it right now.

jenn, thanks!!

p.s. i may or may not have the nickname "dictionary".