With Continual Reference to Justin Kahn.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Revised Policy on Borrowing My Books.

Like any gentleman in good standing, I have a fairly extensive personal library. Being a gentleman I have always lent books to those who ask. Unfortunately, abuses of my generosity have led to the following policy changes which will be enacted immediately.

1. Coupon books are lent out for informational purposes only.
Should you deem it appropriate to try and use the coupons from my vintage Entertainment Books, than I sure don’t want to hear complaints about how no one will take the expired coupons.

2. Scholars will still be allowed access to the special collection “Hardcopies of Forwarded Emails.” But, in order to keep the hard copies in pristine condition, this collection will no longer be allowed to circulate. I am not any more pleased with this than you. Just the same, we must work to ensure that these treasures are preserved for future generations. Furthermore, photographic reproduction or storage by any means is not permitted.

3. I will continue to allow my diaries to circulate. However, I have noticed that the locks have been sustaining unusual amounts of wear and tear. In fact the locks have been loosened to the point where it may soon be possible to open them without a key. Please be careful. These locks are not as sturdy as their rugged appearance suggests.

4. I would like to remind patrons that it is my legal and moral obligation to cooperate with the authorities when it is obvious that borrowing occurs with criminal intentions. My library exists to inform and I want it to carry out that function as completely as possible. Still there are boundaries, and I’m not going to apologize if I alert the authorities when a very angry patron regularly checks out back issues of Gun and Ammo Magazines, while not once looking through my equally extensive collection of National Geographic Magazines.

5. If you accept the privilege of checking out books, please do not remove the new security devices. The old security device, being simply a piece of string, was too easily cut off. The new device is still attached to my building but now consists of Christmas Lights stapled to heavy duty rope, and is not only more durable, but can be turned on in the event that I need to retrieve one of my books in the middle of the night.

6. Interlibrary loan is no longer available. Unfortunately, Tyler doesn’t feel like his library is being treated with the respect it deserves. I know where he is coming from, but I hope that by being proactive we can all continue to enjoy the Justin Kahn Memorial Lending Library.

36 comments:

Maleah said...

I am inspired to make library rules of my own as my friend borrowed "East of Eden" twelve years ago and I still haven't gotten it back. I asked about it the other day and now he doesn't even remember borrowing it and he claims he never read it either. Double insult.

marisa said...

Justin Kahn memorial library ? Did you die & forget to tell us? I sure hope not.

part-time buddha said...

A guy once borrowed my copy of Fight Club and then refused to return it. I beat the crap out of him.

Jenn said...

Dibs on the diaries. Do you lend inter-continent?

Justin said...

maleah, while this isn't exactly related to your comment, I wonder if you think that Steinback's author photos look cool? Maybe you don't remember (unless you have other books by him)but personally I've never thought his pictures suggested that I would care much for his books.

Justin said...

marisa, Shouldn't the living be memorialized also? J.

Justin said...

p t b:

You don't have to remind me. The doctor says my nose will never heal.

j d k

Justin said...

jenn:

I sure do! Just fill out an application (available in my waiting room) and we'll get you a card.

j.

Blaux said...

I like how you only hinted at the fact that you will saturate your books in poison thus killing anyone in the habit of licking their fingers as they turn the pages. Those people will never learn and must be weeded out of the gene pool. Nice work!

Justin said...

real blaux: The only problem that I see with my plan is that those who have merely seen the movie but not read the book will escape.
j.
P.S. And what am I to do about adobe files?

Thunderstruckz said...

^^

atlas said...

That was a way to long blog. Im american, my attention spand is only two minutes.

Blaux said...

They wrote a book about that movie?
p.s. I’ve heard a lot of good things about computer viruses.

Maleah said...

J-

If you think "cool" is an older, skinnier, creepier, smokier, drunker, Clark Gable... yeah.

Ms. Aster said...

Dear Atlas,
You accidentally shrugged off an "o" and an apostrophe and a cap. I'll just assume you are a lefty and your middle finger is enlarged from, um, overuse the "American" sign language way and that is why it landed heavily on the "d" at the end of span. I'm feeling so "Grammar Teacher" today...

Justin said...

ms. aster: Plus, also Atlas has the world on his shoulders which probably impededs typing.
j.

Justin said...

This is just a general comment, but why are there so many people without a blog, or not logging in. I mean, it doesn't matter to me, I'm just glad people are reading, or at least commenting. But, if Blogs are going out of fashion, someone let me know. Thanks j.

Maleah said...

Speaking for myself, I CAN'T blog because I run a Mac that is seven danged years old and I'm unable to go through the process of signing up until I can scrape together the necessary funds to buy a NEW one and run a newer OS. DANGIT! Also, I happen to be Ms. Aster, but didn't want to seem like a post-hog. I'm done posting now.

Walter said...

A friend of mine who's notorious for borrowing my literature and not returning it, asked to borrow one of my manga titles. He said he'd return it the following week. I didn't believe him, but lent him the graphic novel anyway. Next week rolls around and he actually brings it back. A couple of days later he asks to borrow another title and he tells me his history with me is good since he returned the last book on time. This time around I told him no. He wanted to know why I said no so I told him, you fooled me the first time by returning the book, and I wasn't going to let him fool me a second time.

demabloggery said...

When someone returns a book that you know you didn't borrow, how hard do you argue with them about it?

Comrade Kevin said...

I personally enjoyed Justin's "Empty Record Album Covers: 1977 through 1981".

It was a much more visceral experience looking at vintage album covers featuring the likes of Donna Summers and the Bee Gees without actually having the record to listen to.

Justin said...

Comrade K:
While I appreciate that ringing endorsement, I would like to note that according to my recordes you have yet to return the cover for the very rare, "Jeff Tweedy Sings 'Off The Wall'."

j.

Mary Warner said...

Justin - This is hilarious. I, too, lent a book - nay! a pile of books - to a friend long ago and they were never returned. I've adopted the same philosophy with books that I have with money. When lending, I just consider the book/money a gift. Then, if it isn't returned, I'm not disappointed. Of course, I simply don't lend my favorite books, which goes a long way toward perserving friendships & good feelings.

QuillDancer said...

Being kind of heart and gentle of spirit, I lent a bunch of books to an elderly shut-in. She died and her daughter quite happily sold my own books back to me at the estate sale. Wasn't that kind?

Jenn said...

I read the book. So, I am on to the poison on the pages trick.

The signifier and the signified have parted way for all time...if you mean no, why don't you just say no?

DevilBlueDress said...

The Devil traveled here by a strange and circuitous route tonight. Her ability to find her way back will be compromised by the fact that it is three minutes to minute and two margaritas. Bookmarking may be in order immediately. Spellchecking would also be beneficial at this time, but is not one of the current features of blogger comments. Another reason to spank blogger!

I very much appreciate the opportunity to laugh this evening. I would also like to check out your edition of emails. I'm sure that would be most entertaining. The expired coupons- would you like me to share those with my dog for you?

Donna said...

Justin, I see your readers have decided to comment again.

Justin said...

donna, indeed. But hopefully acknowledging such, will not jinx me. j.

Justin said...

devil, you are welcome to the emails as long as you treat them with more respect then you have treated my vintage coupon collection. j.

Justin said...

Quilly, It is horrifying stories like that make me ignore the weak and helpless. j.

Justin said...

Mary, That is wise. The problem is that I love all of my books equally. I have no favorites. Therefore I must offer all of my books or none of the books. The world seems too messed up, to keep my library to myself. j.

Justin said...

walter, THE walter mitty?j.

Justin said...

demabloggery, could you rephrase your paradox in the form of a question? j.

Maggie said...

Ok... so now i feel like a jerk. When I opened my browser it didn't have your update. Am I feeling guilt or instant gratification?

Anyway... I have a problem with lending books, forgetting that someone has borrowed one until I am searching madly for it, can't find it, and then can't even remember if I lent it to someone in the first place, who I may have given it to, or if I had actually lost it myself. How am I ever going to hack it as a librarian?

Justin said...

maggie: Maybe you should change the setting so that it updates everytime you go to the page.

Anyway, I'm entirely confident you will make an excellent librarian because 1)You are nicer than that Russian Lady Who Scares Me and she doesn't get fired 2) Public Libraries have vast funds and even if you lose a few books here and there, it won't be a big deal 3)Ultimately it is up to the library police to see to it that books are returned.

Ja said...

I loaned my copy of "The Celestine Prophecy" to a friend in 1999. Please tell me why she asked me the other day if I had ever read it. Eoow. I wanted to b--ch slap her. I'm a lady so I didn't. Now that the movie is coming out (or is out) hopefully she will return my book. Ya think?