With Continual Reference to Justin Kahn.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

I shower NAKED**

I guess that got your attention, huh? Well, I am using that as a cheap Bait& Switch. For my real theme is the Individual's Confrontation with the Great Void.

Last night,I decided I simply have to accept that my firm abs are in fact due to my being a terminator like creatures made of irony***

That actually makes a lot more sense than the 10 situps I did in High school.

Anyway, I finally got over the now infamous "part time buddha paradox" and life was going pretty good. Who really cares, what I am? It's not what you are, it's what you create.

I turned my attention to what an awesome writer I am and how great my achievements are even if, like wolverine(thanks Kelmaree), I may set off some metal detectors. That's when I decided to weigh my journals and writings from last year.

Turns out I only produced 9 lbs last year.

For those of you who aren't writers I'd like to put it in perspective. Imagine a women is 3 months overdue, and when the kid comes out the cute bundle of joy weighs just 9 lbs. Distubring.

A lot of you, are saying, "But isn't that stylish new tote bag you have been carrying around, an accomplishment?"**** Doesn't that justify your life even if you haven't created much? The short answer is that I actually got the tote bag free for spending more than $30.00 at Half Price Books. While my totebag is trendy and hip, it doesn't adequately fill the void that I am facing.

The good news is that yesterday, the semester ended. This will allow me some time to fulfill my ambitions. And the fact is, I have very great ambitions.

I hope to produce at least forty two pounds of literature this summer.

Those of you who don't think that is so impressive, are probably from some made up country. So I will repeat my bold ambition in language that uses your funky measurments you can understand.

I hope to produce at least 10 kilometers (or 31.2 decibals, by volume) of literature this summer.

Prepare to be amazed.

**Originally titled, "My Tote Bag Rocks", but focus groups didn't respond to that one. Actually, most of them fell asleep for this one too.

***Picture of terminator removed due to space constraints.

****this word won't fit in the margin next to the picture. Hence all that space.


Les said...

What's a "Distubring?" Would a common cleanser help or would that be abrasive to porcelain?

I wish you luck in your pursuit of heavy literature. Remember: quantity, not quality.

Justin said...

Les---That's My motto five days a week.

I thank you for your good wishes.


part-time buddha said...

All my life all I wanted was to have a soda machine dedicated in my honor. Today I discover that a paradox has been named after me. Since a paradox is cooler than a soda machine, suddenly, my life is void of ambition.

It's like rayeeayn on my wedding day.

part-time buddha said...

By the way, I have a date with Audrey tomorrow.

Justin said...

P T B:

Excuse me, while I cleanse the wound from my lower back.


P.S. Did you hear about that stunt the Davinci crew pulled? On the train? Big Deal.

Honey Mustard Manbeque said...

What is disturbing is that a male would actually admit to having a tote bag.

occasionalconfusion said...

Good luck on your quest to produce more "stuff" to put in your tote bag...lol j/k the reality is that I'm jealous that you know how to write well and I don't :-( Anyhow, good luck

Justin said...


Writing Tip: Lashing out at people seems to help my writing.

But please dont' lash out me. I need your support.

And thanks for the idea: it didn't occur to me that I could use my totebag to carry my new writings.


Justin said...

The thing is bring neon. Someone would have spotted it eventually. JK

Alyssa said...


Random Pictures & Musings said...

Wow, literary output measured in pounds. what a concept, how very profound. You must be one fantastic lover, bet the girls and guyds are standing in line for their ponud of your literary weight.

Kat said...

Now that's some heavy stuff... why 42 lbs though?! Is that just a random number or is that reference to the "Ultimate Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything"? :P

Justin said...

Kat: You Are the Winner of the Semi-Obscure Reference to Dougy Adams Award. Congrats.


P.S. I'm sorry that I can not award a cash prize at this time. But really, good work.

Justin said...

random pictures & musings:
Is that your real name?

fried_blue said...

Voon! I was waiting for someone around here to bring Douglas up, so maybe I could stop lurking and contribute to the conversation.

I just want to say this:
Many times I have gone in and purchased at least $30 worth of stuff at Half Price Books. Never once have I been offered any compensation for my loyalty.

Maybe you should consider this tragedy the next time you have some kind of existential dilemma.

(Well, the above statement/pity-me complaint had nothing to do with Douglas Adams, other than sounding uncannily like Marvin. But it's a start.)

kelmaree said...

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
i love Douglas Adams, so v funny, its about time he appeared on here

kathz said...

have you thought of using heavier paper?

WIP said...

i never thought of weighing my writing :-)

Justin hvae you ever tried Slam Poetry ?? if you willing to try something new....

ali said...

i shower naked too...and thats where I get my bestest ideas for random musings.I enjoy your candid writing...much luck with the proverbial poundage.


hola , como estas detras de mi pues te digo hola hello , un saludito desde spain viva españa y oléeeeeee

Kelvin said...

Kia Ora (Hello), everyone "showers naked" - even this krazy monkey from down under in New Zealand. If you had showed a photo of yourself showering naked, that might of got everyones attention and a lot of laughs !!! (hehe)

jay lassiter said...

I did a good bait and switch the other day with the title "free drugs and everyone gets laid" and folks were less that amused.
But yours i like.