The Newest Concept of Irony Feature: "Ask Justin."

A former student sent me an email requesting my advice. To protect his privacy, I have decided to change his name to Elvis.

"Elvis'" letter encouraged me to start an advice column.

I know this might not be the best way to start an advice column, but I was thinking that rather than actually answering the letter, the wisdom of the masses (that means you) could guide him with your comments on the comment page. So please give Paul, I mean, what was it, Elvis the best advice you can.

Dear Justin,
I am writing you on the verge of yet another great change in the course my life is taking. Considering the implications of my plan, I thought it would make sense to bounce the idea off someone as well studied as yourself in such weighty matters.I am open to advice.

I have decided to build a giant paper mache penguin.

My plan is to start out building it on it's side so I can make it very tall, but still get it out the door eventually. Then, once outside, I plan to coat it with a layer of cement to make it more durable against the weather.

I know ! It sounds to good to be true! I even said to myself:
" Why didn't I think of this before?"

I think it's obvious that the direction this thing could take is almost unlimited. Let me give you just a few of my ideas so far:

1) Make a cut-out hole in the side and bring equipment in to turn it into an ice cream serving place in the summer.

2) Mechanize the entire penguin and make it a friendly-looking, but diabolically-acting robot that stamps on things and smashes them with his feet.

3) Use it as a way to attract real penguins. It would go like this: "Bow down to me, you regular penguins! I'm Super Penguin - look how gigantic I am!"

I am leaning toward option 3. There is a lack of leadership among current penguins. I saw it on National Geographic Channel. So, it would be a real service to them. I think I have the skills.

I know it will be hard for you initially to not be super-excited and just endorse this thing out of sheer enthusiasm. I had to fight it myself. But I really need an objective, dispassionate critique of my plan. I'd hate to mess this up, and I think you can see why!

Paul