With Continual Reference to Justin Kahn.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Anonymous of the Comments, Here.


Justin said that revealing myself is the right thing to do. But, this is hard for me. I probably should be in therapy.

You see, I am very afraid that people will see me for what I am-- an 18 inch Teddy Bear. I am afraid that if I post under my name, Teddy, then people will dismiss me. I know how humans are with their pride of having opposable thumbs. So what, even if I had thumbs or any fingers rather than just nubs, I wouldn't go around belittling those whose entire anatomy consists of circles and ovals.

I am a straight shooter, and I say the things that other people are afraid to say. I am exactly like Dr. House. People don't dismiss him because they know that his scathing wit is inseparable from his genius. Well, just try separating my scathing wit from my nubs! It can't be done. This is who I am.

But some of you take it the wrong way.

A lot of you think that I have a giant ego. Justin forwarded those emails to me. Well, I have a confession. That giant ego is not the real me. It is actually a device my mind has created for its own self-protection. If you were to peel back that giant ego, you would find a much more modestly sized ego. This ego can definitely hold its own and if pushed into a corner would take your ego out. But it does tend to rust when exposed to the elements. Hence the need to protect itself with a larger ego--and thick coating of anonymity. Even though I admit that it is kind of cowardly.

I want to thank Justin for the opportunity to address you directly. What a great guy. I feel like I am a much better stuffed animal than I was before.

23 comments:

Jenn said...

Hard to believe you've had 800 women in the past, what was it, one month? Sometimes life is so unfair. You've had all these women while Justin languishes in front of a flickering screen.

It's all in the iPod.

Justin said...

Jenn, I completely appreciate your going to the efforts of putting italics on the You've, b/c I think that was my first reaction.

Also, my ipod is really awesome, so I can't believe it is all in the ipod.

Also, my computer screen doesn't flicker, but the candles by which I work do. So really, just semantics.

Also, just out of curiosity, you haven't ever posted Anonymously have you?

J.

Jenn said...

No. I haven't. I prefer to sign my name when I am insulting you.

Except that I never do. Insult you that is.

Because, as you know, I'm a fan.

And fans don't insult. They just poke gentle fun, which implies affection rather than mockery.

PS:I like to think of you in front of a flickering screen...if I were shooting, Justin: The Untold Story of the Blogger Who Did, I would have your screen flicker, at least...I would zoom in on your eyes, and everyone would get to see the screen flickering in your eyes.

Pepper Medley said...

I'd never separate scathing wit from Teddy nubs.

I would, however, separate Teddy nubs from that bow tie.

QuillDancer said...

Just can't tame that ego, can you Teddy -- claiming to be just like Dr. House! Dr. House is handsome, has opposible thumbs and saves people's lives. He doesn't need an iPod to make him sexy, nor does he run around on the internet insulting people to make him feel more intelligent -- he does it in person because he is more intelligent. Teddy, you are a coward.

Justin, thank you for exposing him. Oh, and speaking of exposed -- he's wearing no clothes and from the way he has posed it is rather apparent the iPod isn't his second dick.

bitingblondewit said...

Teddy, have you considered Zoloft? I hear good things about it from people who used to have ego issues.

Comrade Kevin said...

All these years my cat has used the excuse 'lack of opposable thumbs' to get out of doing any housework. After seeing Teddy exposed; however, I'm starting to think I am the one being played the fool!

Do you hear that Kitty?!?! That's right, I'm on to you! Get in the kitchen and do a load of dishes! And stay away from my IPod!!!

Justin said...

Comrade K: I can't believe you would trust anything a cat would say.

J.

Justin said...

biting, M.D.Do you know anyone who would give him a prescription based on the ego-diagnostic? J.

Justin said...

Oh, quilly I wish I could think of funny things to say like that. Poor, teddy the eunuch. J.

Justin said...

Sgt. Medley, Oh snap! But I have to point out that your beau Grigori is not that much better dressed. J.

Justin said...

Jenn, I can't wait until someone makes a movie about me. I'm going to pretend to be all embarassed, but secretly in reality I'm going to buy hundreds of copies and put up posters all over the penthouse, although hopefully I won't be living in the penthouse at that time, because soon I will come into a lot of money, vis a vis a triumph to be documented in the movie. J.

Stiletto Tongue said...

Oh Teddy. I don't want to excite you b/c I understand you're highly flammable, but do you know how many men would love to say they're "18 inches"?

Picturing them sulking over their little thumbs might be good therapy.


Size matters. Bowties. Not so much.

Anonymous said...

This is not funny, even for Justin

David said...

Small bears... I always knew you were filth, the lot of you.

Jenn said...

Looks like you offended anonymous, Justin. And if it was just what you intended to do, right on!

Zya said...

I have one thing to say and I will say it with glee having just come across this post and now not being able to wipe the grin from my face:


hehe!

oh...

and I will be back!

Z.

Vagina Dentata said...

Stiletto Tongue - Ha! I faced a nine incher once and it wasn't worth it. The truly large know they possess the sword of Damocles and understand the perilous nature of their happiness. Unless of course they date Pamela Anderson.

goldennib said...

Who the hell cares about opposable thumbs? Nubs are the most important body part.

Anonymous said...

Wow - I totally grew up with that bear.

Tiny Tones said...

Dear Teddy,

Am very pleased to make your acquaintance! It's not easy being a furry friend on the front line, covering for them day in day out while they use you as the perfect cover to say whatever the hell they want in your name. Trust me - I know.

Anonymous said...

Pull my finger!

Anonymous said...

Hey Justin. . . anonymous again. LOL Do you miss me?!? :oP~~
I love you too. XOXOXOXOXOXO

NOW PULL MY DAMN FINGER